Happy Hey Day!

Obama Can’t Stop Taking Stances on Things

— May 16, 2012 at 6:00 am
They say all addictions start with a first step. For some, that step is the puff of a joint. For others, it’s the tingling sensation of playing a slot machine, but for Barack Obama, that first step was...

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Opinion: Why Haven’t Zimbroff/Wagstaff Done Anything Yet?

Opinion: Why Haven’t Zimbroff/Wagstaff Done Anything Yet?
I like to think I’m a patient guy. I can watch the pot until it boils and I’ve spent more time than I’d like to admit waiting in a line that went nowhere–but even I have my limits. Even I reach a point where I have to stop and...

With Record Enrollment in CS106A, “Late Days” on Verge of Hyperinflation

With Record Enrollment in CS106A, “Late Days” on Verge of Hyperinflation
With a record number of Stanford students enrolling in introductory programming classes this year, experts have begun to notice inflationary pressure on the unbacked currency known as “late days” that are indiscriminately distributed to...

World’s Best Minds Gather at Exotic Erotic

World’s Best Minds Gather at Exotic Erotic
This past weekend, the foremost thinkers of the Stanford student body gathered at Exotic Erotic–a prestigious invitation-only event designed to “allow new ideas to mingle and rub up against each other in a churning mass of intellectual...

Sad Cow Disease Found in California Dairy Cow

Sad Cow Disease Found in California Dairy Cow
Yesterday afternoon, the U.S. Department of Agriculture confirmed a severe case of Sad Cow Disease in a dairy cow from Glenwood, California–contradicting the oft-cited fact that happy cows come from California. According to the USDA report,...

ResEd Replaces Draw With First Come First Serve System

ResEd Replaces Draw With First Come First Serve System
In response to widespread complaints about the draw being inefficient, and “the worst system ever,” ResEd has decided to revamp the entire housing assignment program. “The draw clearly had its problems, so we’ve decided to switch to...

Stanford Police To Promote Autocratic Bike Safety Policies

Stanford Police To Promote Autocratic Bike Safety Policies
In response to an increase in bicycle accidents in the past few weeks, Stanford Police have adopted a new, stricter ticketing policy concerning bike safety. It is based on measures taken by the Soviet Union during the 1960s to counteract political...

Beards and Books: Occupy Meyer to Join Housing System

Beards and Books: Occupy Meyer to Join Housing System

In response to disgruntled cries over a disorganized and disappointing housing system, Residential and Dining Enterprises will be introducing a new lifestyle option for students. From now until its demolition, the first floor of Meyer library...

Area Man Saving Himself For Politics or Coaching

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Local grad student Mark Henderson has announced he will abstain from sexual intercourse until he is elected to public office or becomes a football coach. “I’ve made the decision to wait,” said Mark as he flipped through the pages of Playboy...

Stanford Falls Behind in Alcohol Consumption Rates

Stanford Falls Behind in Alcohol Consumption Rates
The National rankings for college consumption of alcohol are out and once again Stanford ranks slightly below the national average. The survey was run by the Core Institute, the largest national Alcohol and Other Drug (AOD) office dedicated...

New Contemplation Center the Result of Aggressive Game of “Text or 4.2 Million Dollar Building”

New Contemplation Center the Result of Aggressive Game of “Text or 4.2 Million Dollar Building”
Stanford Board of Trustees member Wendy Munger woke up in a daze last Sunday morning only to realize that she had approved a new 4.2 million dollar contemplation center as part of a ridiculous game. Modeled after Text or Shot, “Text or...

Cool ProFro Scores Alcohol for Upperclassmen

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Nobel Prize in Economics Awarded for “Master Hand” Theory

Nobel Prize in Economics Awarded for “Master Hand” Theory
Stanford economics professor Gerald Walker was recently awarded the Nobel Prize in economics after pioneering the new “master hand” theory of markets to explain recent trends in global finance. “The antiquated ‘invisible hand’ metaphor...

Board of Trustees To Buy $4.2 Million of “Contemplation Toilets”

Board of Trustees To Buy $4.2 Million of “Contemplation Toilets”
After an extensive study regarding the contemplation resources available on campus, the Stanford Board of Trustees took a decisive action in a vote this past week and designated 4.2 million dollars for construction of contemplation toilets....

Tupac Hologram Murdered on Las Vegas Strip

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After stunning crowds at the Coachella Valley Music & Arts Festival with the realistic look of a holographic Tupac Shakur, Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg did what any excited reveling superstars would do: they hit Vegas with their new invention....

Study: Conversations on Concrete Benches Around Meyer Library Revealed to be Sickeningly Cliché

Study: Conversations on Concrete Benches Around Meyer Library Revealed to be Sickeningly Cliché
In a report released last Wednesday by behavioral scientists at Stanford, researchers concluded that the overwhelming majority of conversations that take place on the concrete benches encircling Meyer Library are filled with the trite banalities...