After 30 Years, DNA Testing Frees Colonel Mustard

BILLIARD ROOM–Colonel Mustard will walk free today after being wrongly imprisoned for thirty years, thanks to new DNA evidence.

In 1979, Colonel Mustard was convicted of attacking Mrs. Peacock in the conservatory with a candlestick and sentenced to life in prison by a jury of 3-6 of his peers aged from 6 to Adult. However, last week, new evidence has come to light which revealed Professor Plum, a Stanford Resident Fellow, may have been involved in the incident.

“We wouldn’t have thought to reopen the case if it weren’t for the DNA testing in the Stanford Medical Labs,” said Santa Clara County District Attorney Dolores Carr. “Our justice system is extremely flawed; sometimes it seems like people simply guess who they think committed the crime.”

Miss Scarlet, a friend of both Colonel Mustard and Professor Plum refused to comment on this latest development, saying only that she was in the cellar with Mr. Green at the time of the attack, and was at least six spaces away from the incident.

Colonel Mustard is overjoyed to be out of prison and is glad that the truth has come to light after all these years. “I’ve been saying for thirty years that I was in the conservatory with the rope,” said Mustard. “Finally someone believes me.”