Overly Cautious Freshman Loses Key To Thirteenth U-Lock

Sandra Perez, 18, of Rinconada was indicted yesterday on charges of leaving her bicycle unattended in the same space for twenty-eight days. Perez  had left one too many u-locks on her bicycle, and misplaced the key to one of the locks, rendering the bike immobile.

“I don’t know what happened. I was midway through unlocking my twelfth u-lock when I realized that I lost the key to the thirteenth. I was late for IHUM, so I decided to forget about the bicycle and just run to class.”

When she returned almost a month later, she was alarmed by the large orange boot attached to her bicycle and the accompanying five men in black. Perez  claims ignorance of Stanford’s stringent bicycle penal codes. “In Tennessee, we aren’t used to having laws, let alone laws like these ones,” she said. Federal marshals declined to comment for this story.

Perez said that her court appearance is scheduled for mid-January. She declared that a plea bargain might be in the works. Perez announced she will try to make amends by finding the missing key, insinuating that she may dropped it into her Barack Obama chia pet.