After a whirlwind turn of events, the residents of 1035 Campus Drive have been informed by campus administrators that they will not be allowed to return to 1035 for the next academic year. Megan Wertzelbok, Resident Dean, justified the controversial decision, “Residents of 1035 are expected to conduct themselves with a certain maximum level of decorum,” said Wertzelbok as she pointed to pictures of 21-year-old 1035 residents drinking a moderate level of alcohol and having predominantly consensual sex. “Our office believes that the residents of 1035 have violated the trust of the campus community, and we are looking to move in another direction.” Residents of 1035 have already announced their intention to appeal the decision, claiming it was based on a series of “isolated incidents and overblown rumors.”

Just days after announcing the suspension of his presidential campaign, Herman Cain found himself in the midst of yet another political scandal as Roberta Hernandez accused Cain of engaging in a “professional relationship” with her while he was chair of the National Restaurant Owner’s Association. “We would sit in the boardroom, and as we discussed quarterly profits and financial projections, [Cain] would move his hand above my skirt, below my breasts, and into my hand, where he would shake it two or three times before directing me to take a seat,” said Hernandez, as she made a sultry demonstration of Cain’s non-suggestive hand motions. “He told me that what we had in our meeting was to stay between us and the board of trustees, that it should be our little business secret that we should share only with our investors.” Though Cain was slow to respond, he admitted that he had worked with Hernandez but that he had nothing to say about the nature of his relationship with her or any of the other members of the board.

Preferably white, with thin legs and stylish curves. Should be about waist-high. Won’t mind holding stacks of books, dirty dishes, and an alarm clock. Swedish design preferred.

According to the results of a groundbreaking study performed at Harvard Medical School, heart disease is a purely psychological condition. Previously, scientists believed that heart disease was caused by a complex combination of factors such as high blood pressure, obesity, and heredity. However, a series of experiments demonstrated that the whole problem is within the mind of the sufferer. “We discovered that the only reason these people are sick is because they actually want to have plaque clogging their arteries, intense chest pain, and high risk of death,” explained Dr. Mitchell Narbower, head author of the study. “If they would just decide to have healthy hearts, they would be fine.” In response to this work, doctors have replaced traditional heart disease treatments–like medication and surgery–with treatments designed to improve happiness and psychological calmness, like sitting around in comfy chairs and eating lots of fatty foods.

Tragedy struck Friday afternoon at approximately 4:36 PM when freshman Stephen Salazar lost his lanyard.

“I was just biking to White Plaza to get my bike registered, and by the time I got there I realized that it had fallen off,” said Salazar through tears, “I was heartbroken.  I retraced my steps all the way back to Arroyo but to no avail. Now nobody will ever know who I am or what my name is.”

Salazar is now an outcast among freshmen, and has been moved from Wilbur into FroSoCo by Stanford Housing.

In one of the greatest feel-good stories of the twenty-first century, Crothers resident Lori Scone and Slav resident Jack Holloway are managing what many have called “an almost-impossible” long distance relationship. Despite being on different sides of Campus Drive and only managing to see each other once every several months, Lori and Jack are finding a way to make it work. “It’s been really hard, but ultimately it’s tested us and made our relationship grow stronger,” said Lori. “And it just makes the times we do see each other that much better.” Lori’s closest friend Alicia Sagan has seen the relationship prosper from its early days. “I don’t know how they do it. I know they Skype every now and then and send texts to each other during the day … but she makes such a sacrifice for him. This long distance relationship really takes her out of the campus social scene, and I just don’t know how she resists on-campus temptation. I mean, have you ever been to the Crothers Barbecue?”

After the death of their best player, Osama bin Laden (gamertag: OsamaMama34), at the hands of a highly trained team of Navy SEALS, Al-Qaeda has made the rash decision to rage quit the War on Terror.

“He was in such a good hiding place,” argued Al-Qaeda officials, “There is no way they could have found him unless they were looking at his screen.”

The SEALS were taken aback by the claims of cheating, explaining that they clearly had a UAV and could see Osama’s red dot on the radar.

“Besides,” a member of the SEALS team told Flipside reporters, “that noob was just camping anyway. And we pwned his ass. Get over it.”

Al-Qaeda members remain defiant saying “We were gonna stop playing soon anyway. This just made the war end faster.”

A recent study out of Stanford’s Psychology department has found that College Prowler’s new A+ rating of Stanford girls has been accompanied by a spike in the number of male students involved in bike accidents this year. “It’s really quite simple,” said Professor Farling Winston. “The male mind is driven mainly by instinctual response to sexual stimuli. It is actually physically impossible for a male to bike by a beautiful woman without turning his head.” Take the case of Bob Solomon, who considers himself a fairly even-keeled member of the community. “I don’t know what happened,” he admitted to The Flipside, “I had already passed the girl, and just couldn’t contain this irrational urge to look behind me, even though I’d probably never even meet her again or find out her name.” Vaden’s head trauma treatment center has proposed helmets as a possible solution to the problem, as they would serve the dual purpose of both diminishing the sexual attractiveness of women and protecting the noggins of men.

This summer, Presidential hopeful Donald Trump will begin his Presidential campaign by filming a TV show to pick a running mate for his 2012 candidacy. The show is expected to be called, The Running Mate. “It will feature contestants duking it out in a series of events to become Trump’s VP,” said Director Mark Burnett. Tasks for the contestants include evading questions, styling their hair, and shaking hands really firmly. When reached for comment on his campaign and his hopes for the show, Trump just said, “You’re Fired!”