Long time Black Eagle employee Abu Nayeem was let go yesterday amidst accusations that many critical aspects of his resume were falsified. His departure has sent surprised cartel managers searching for a replacement who can competently swallow condoms full of heroin and then extract them from his feces once past security checkpoints.

Trouble surfaced during a routine indexing of company records when it was discovered that Nayeem’s primary reference– Xbox Live gamertag pistolmnky17—was not a valid gamer ID. Nayeem’s secondary reference—a four year old stray pit bull named Bruiser—could not confirm or deny whether key points on the resume were true.

“His education came under intense scrutiny,” said VP of Human Resources Vincent Ortega. “Naturally we want people with middle school degrees, and he seemed to fit the bill. But it turns out he dropped out of Nogales Middle School in 7th grade, and on top of that his diploma in “Cappin’ the Po” was a clever forgery. It was a complete surprise to us.”

The resume also contained exaggerations designed to make Nayeem stand out as an exemplary drug mule candidate during the intense interview process. Under professional experience he listed “Badass mofoing kingpin, bitch WUT,” when in reality he was a small-time marijuana dealer who often smoked from his own supply and earned multiple stints in the county jail. Now he finds himself searching for a new job, and prospective employers are reluctant to bite.

“Sure, the guy is incredibly skilled at getting the cocaine-filled latex glove down without gagging before he worms his way through airport security,” explained rival cartel leader Guzman Falconi. “But it’s not about that. When we look to hire we’re looking for people who are good at communicating, who are creative and innovative problem solvers, who understand globalization and social media, and most of all who are trustworthy. And after this it is unclear whether he is any of those.”

In anticipation of the opening of the Knight School of Management this spring, a wave of Taco Bell employees arrived on campus this week. These workers said that they were looking for a step up in managing the graveyard shift.

The Flipside caught up with Juan Zelchez at the construction site of the Knight School, where he was also working a second job as a construction worker. “For me, night manager is good position,” said Zelchez, adding that “night management very competitive.”

Other workers discussed the effects of globalization and outsourcing in the night management industry. They see a Stanford degree as a way to fight these trends.

Stanford has begun contacting local community colleges to see if they could train the workers, however many administrators at Stanford believe that enrolling them could be good for diversity.

With environmental consciousness on the rise throughout the United States, product engineers at L’Oreal have resorted to extreme measures to tailor their shampoo to the eco-friendly. According to spokeswoman Sandra Mills, “no animals were harmed in the making of this shampoo. No rocks, boulders, or large trees were harmed in the making of this shampoo. In fact, to represent our commitment to resolving worldwide drought, our shampoo is also water-free.”

Another feature of the new line of Hair-Care-Because-The-Earth-Is-Ours-To-Share products is a focus on nutritional consciousness. Head chemical engineer Richard Leyvan met with our reporters earlier this week to discuss the novel product. “Our shampoo is gluten-free, vegan, pescaterian, vegetarian, flexitarian, humanitarian, and amphibian,” he said. “You name an ‘-ian’ and we’ve got you covered!” When asked why consumers would be eating their shampoo, Leyvan declined to comment.

Finally, the product itself represents L’Oreal’s reworked mission statement of “aligning your hair with the vibe of the cosmos.” To avoid blocking energy flow and impeding proper chi, L’Oreal technicians worked with James Cameron and members of the Pandoran Na’vi trive to ensure proper feng shui of the shampoo. Each package of new L’Oreal Eco-Poo is 100% Eywa-guaranteed.

Hoping to build on the success of their “Happy Meal” product line, McDonald’s has introduced a new set of meals to appeal to a broader age range.

The main new meal from McDonald’s is the ‘Midlife Crisis’ meal, given to those in their thirties or forties, which contains a toy convertible and less of everything that you asked for. Sometimes the order is messed up entirely, and if you order a burger they’ll just give you chicken.

Another one of the meals on McDonalds’ new lineup is the ‘Childhood Obesity’ Meal. The ‘Childhood Obesity’ Meal has been the focus of the new marketing campaign, and is exactly the same as previous Happy Meals.

In an effort to stay close to their tried and true originals, they are also introducing the George Clooney meal, which is also the same as the regular Happy Meal, but much, much more handsome.

Both the California chefs and potters unions declared support for Proposition 19, the statewide referendum to legalize the recreational use of marijuana in California. Famous TV Chef Emeril Lagasse, a senior member of the chefs union, commented, “Pot is the most important tool for a chef. Without it, we’re nothing.” Lagasse continued, “You light the pot up from underneath and then BOOM! You’re cooking—that’s the only way to do it.”

Chef Richard Krajnyk also clarified, “There’s a lot of misinformation out there. Some people refer to cooking with the pot as baking, which is preposterous. Unless you put a pot in the oven, it’s not baking.”

The chefs union was not the only group lobbying in favor of Proposition 19. The potters union has also been putting its support behind the proposition. Artist Blake Crowe lamented, “What would an artist like myself be without pot? I can’t even start the creative process without it. In fact, I’d say that in this business, there can be no creative process without pot.”

On the other side of the debate, gardeners have come out in strong opposition to Proposition 19. “These chefs and potters might get all high and mighty about the benefits of the pot, but they forget that the proposition is inclusive of weed too,” remarked Rachel Garbowski, head botanist for the Menlo Park Senior Citizens Center. “How do the chefs expect us to plant healthy crops with weed flowing freely through our communities?”

Through all this controversy, emotions ran high. A slightly angrier potter who wished to remain anonymous told a Flipside correspondent, “My job is literally on the line; these people, these vicious people against Prop. 19, they ought to get stoned.”

After years of unsuccessful experimentation, famed golfer and budding toiletry entrepreneur Arnold Palmer teamed up with Target and awed audiences worldwide with the introduction of his newest product, The Real Life Shower Caddy.

“I was just standing in the shower one day, and that’s when it hit me,” Palmer said. “What is it that every good golfer needs? A caddy! And why should the shower be any different?”

This revolutionary new product, which is sure to be a staple in every American household by the holidays, is available in three different shades of argyle, with the consumer’s choice of a Nike hat or a driver’s cap.

Manufacturers were originally worried their product would go against the 13th amendment, which prohibits the buying and selling of people, but quickly found a loophole. “All we have to do is tip them,” stated Palmer. “So just keep a roll of quarters in the shower with you, and you should be fine…at least that’s how I’ve always done it.”

“This product really has quite a lot of great features,” commented Target spokesperson Will Ingram. “Let’s say you’re taking a shower before going out. The caddy performs the same services he would on the field: you get tips on what shampoo to use, advice on the most alluring body wash and he’ll even wash your balls.”

Earlier this week, in an attempt to regain internet browser market share, Microsoft unveiled its new Dora the Internet Explorer web browser.

The new browser includes a radically reworked graphical user interface, which prominently features Dora, the iconic little brown girl from the children’s show Dora the Explorer, who hovers next to the address bar. Dora cheerfully offers various internet browsing tips while also teaching simple Spanish phrases.

The browser includes built-in anti-viral software that renders spy-ware and viruses in the form of Swiper, a mischievous fox who repeatedly attempts to steal from Dora and her friends. Dora quickly responds to Swiper’s arrival by repeating the phrase, “Swiper, no swiping!” three times, which triggers multiple anti-viral quarantine and disposal algorithms.

To promote wide adoption of the new browser Microsoft controversially implemented an automatic backdoor update that replaced all existing versions of Internet Explorer upon connection to the internet, regardless of user consent.

“The Dora browser is an abomination!” wrote Michael Arrington, founder of the web publication TechCrunch and one of the most vocal critics the new browser. “No matter what, Dora is always there. Always. Smothering me with her unblinking stare. Watching me. Judging me.”

In other tech news, web traffic analysts at Alexa have noted a recent 48% drop in web traffic across all major adult websites, a trend coinciding, oddly enough, with the release of the new Dora browser.

For as long as shelled crustaceans have inhabited Earth, a simple but powerful adage has reigned as unquestioned truth – “She sells seashells by the seashore.”

Recently, this popular expression has come under attack by a group of radical seashell salesman from the Atlantic Coast. The new grassroots movement claims that the traditional slogan promotes an unhealthy attitude of sexual discrimination in the seashell-selling industry, and is detrimental to both current and prospective male vendors.

Robert Sanchez, the self-proclaimed Martin Luther King Jr. of the new movement, explains, “The current gender stereotypes surrounding our industry are simply unacceptable. We are working to erase these prejudiced viewpoints and create a more progressive environment within the seashell business.”

Cracking the shell, so to speak, of a female-dominated industry has not been easy for most men, who often complain of a loss of dignity and self-respect. Sanchez describes the mindset of many male employees when he says, “They are embarrassed to face their friends and family when all they want to do is make an honest living and follow their dreams.”

Though the new movement is facing a rising resistance from conservative seashell vendors, who claim that men are infringing on their exclusive privilege of hawking calcareous shell to passing tourists, Sanchez is still confident of success. When pressed for an idea of a new slogan to replace the biased motto, Sanchez replied, “He and she simultaneously sell seashells by the seashore serenely.”

“And that,” explains Sanchez, “Is something that we can all come together to say three times fast.”