After years of bitter struggle, the Israel and Palestine camps have reached an agreement: Modern Family is the best show on television.

Negotiations had been at a standstill until both sides realized it was almost eight o’clock and Modern Family was about to start.

Political pundits explained that negotiations had to be put on hold because neither side would tolerate missing the beginning of the show. They also explained that, oftentimes, a recurring theme or joke is established within the first few minutes that ties together the entire episode.

“Those gay guys–they are so funny,” said a man with an accent, who may have belonged to either side.

“When Phil Dunphy came on, we realized it was time to put aside our differences and gawk at the stupid white people on the screen,” said right-wing militant and religious zealot Zev Ben-Hofferwitz.

The peace accord quickly deteriorated when it was discovered that Steven Levitan, Jew, was involved in the production of the show.

Despite this, the agreement marked the biggest advance in Middle East Peace since Jimmy Carter convinced the Israeli and Egyptian leaders to enjoy “Dallas” in 1978.

Stanford, CA — In an embarrassing incident Monday, staff members at the Arillaga family dining hall accidentally displayed a poster depicting famous actor Morgan Freeman, mistakenly claiming he was Martin Luther King Jr.

Trying to cover for their most recent mistake, Arillaga issued a statement saying that the dining hall “made a grave mistake” and was “deeply sorry for offending any members of Stanford’s African-American community.” Arillaga also plans to send a formal apology letter to Morgan Freeman, as they do not want to incur His wrath.

Surprisingly, however, many members of the Stanford Community did not notice the mistake until it was explicitly pointed out. Hu Huang ’13 explained: “Morgan Freeman, Martin Luther King, they all look the same to me.”

Another student, Mark Christenson ’14 actually appreciated the mix-up. “Martin Luther King is important and all, but Morgan Freeman is really under appreciated. It was nice to have the opportunity to reflect on everything Morgan Freeman has contributed to society.”

Kim Kardashian, famous for being famous, is currently on the prowl for her new television husband after the demise of her 72-day marriage to basketball player, Kris Humphries.  She has recently leaked to the press that she is searching for a college student, hoping it will provide a new angle to her show as the “Ultimate Cougar.”

“I just like, really want to fall in love.”  Kardashian remarks.  The hopeless romantic likes long walks on the beach with her camera crew, shopping for clothes with her camera crew, spending quality time with her family and camera crew, eating chocolate-covered strawberries with her camera crew, and displaying her affection for her lovers with her camera crew, of course.

Any lucky man who wants his entire relationship documented on camera should definitely come to tryouts this coming Saturday.  Ex-husband Kris Humphries says he will buy Kim’s next choice of fake husband a nice steak dinner before the wedding because “it could be the last undocumented dinner you’ll ever have, at least for the next 72 days or so.”

Last week in a meeting with a select group of high-ranking religious officials, God took the opportunity to assure his followers that the popular reality show “Jersey Shore” is, in fact, part of his divine plan for humanity. While it has long been accepted that tragedies like natural disasters, drought, famine, poverty, cancer, malaria, AIDS, racism, sexism, homophobia, murder, rape and Karl Rove are all important parts of God’s plan for mankind, religious scholars have struggled to explain the absurdities that pervade everyday life. Worried about how mankind might interpret certain “outliers” that don’t fit into a good/evil binary, God decided to clear the air on parts of his plan that seem to defy all logical, moral and spiritual explanation.

Clergy the world over are thrilled and relieved by the recent announcement. “Last Sunday, one of the younger congregation members asked me if God loved ‘The Situation,’ and I didn’t know what to say. I mean, the guy is caricature—he’s barely human, let alone a Christian,” reported Rev. Wilbur Bushman, an Evangelical minister. He added, “Sometimes God’s intentions are clear, like with Hurricane Katrina or the earthquake in Japan, but other times the message is more opaque. It’s a relief to know that we don’t have to chalk it up to ‘mysterious ways’ anymore.”

Additionally, it was reported that God, speaking through the reanimated corpse of Jerry Falwell, took the opportunity to clarify that chicken nuggets, the Snuggie, Carrot Top and edible underwear are parts of His plan for humanity, assuring followers that “their purposes will be revealed to those who truly believe.” God closed the meeting by clarifying that He did, in fact, tell Michelle Bachmann to run for president.

Last week, scandal erupted when a celebrity gossip website posted photos of a topless young woman and claimed that the woman was none other than Taylor Swift. Swift’s representatives quickly assured fans that the photos were fake, but these statements did little to stop negative speculation about the starlet.

As a result, Swift herself took action last night by posting a topless photo of herself to her official website as proof that the original photos were fake. She wrote the following explanation: “This is what I actually look like topless. If you compare this photo with the other ones, you’ll see that the nipple color is completely different and that my boobs are quite a bit firmer than that other girl’s. I hope this convinces everybody once and for all!”

It appears that Swift’s latest move was successful in quelling the concerns of her fans. According to Carol Turner, mother of two preteen Swift fans, “I had a bit of doubt before, but this photo convinced me that those other photos were fake. I’m really relieved to know that Taylor Swift is the great role model I thought she was. Unlike most other celebrities, she has morals and values and doesn’t just take off her clothes at the drop of a hat.”

Sources in the music industry report that popular British rock band Coldplay’s new album Mylo Xyloto has been found to be sonically identical to their last album, and that the band simply changed the song titles.

The discovery was first made by music critic David Woolworth last week when he was preparing to review the album for his blog Ironic Fixed-Gear Bicycle. “I don’t understand how no one has noticed this,” he wrote “they didn’t even change the order of the tracks from Viva La Vida.”

When asked for a comment, a representative from Parlophone, the band’s record label, merely smiled and shrugged before adding, “I don’t claim to understand art.”

Chris Martin, lead singer and frontman for the group, said of the finding, “There’s just so much beauty in the world that we’ve already captured, and we just want to keep sharing this beauty with our fans. But with new cover art.”

Preliminary reports suggest that this finding is not hurting sales of the new album and that the average music fan doesn’t actually know, or care, what the word “derivative” means.

Sources from the campaign office of Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum report that, in the coming weeks, the former senator will be releasing a rap mixtape to garner attention for his faltering campaign. Falling dangerously far behind the frontrunners and even, somehow, a geography- and history-challenged raving lunatic in the polls, Santorum’s advisors held an emergency meeting to consider their options for revitalizing his campaign. They agreed that, in order to receive media attention, the former senator would do literally anything other than have sex with a man or get an abortion. Many other options were discussed and, although deemed something of a political risk, campaign manager Mike Biundo reports that selling one of Santorum’s seven children is “still on the table.” Biundo noted that they ultimately chose to make the rap recording on the chance that it might win over members of the lucrative “non-white, non-upper middle class or non-evangelical Christian” voter base, a demographic the Santorum campaign had previous been ignoring.

Excitement is building amongst music fans and political junkies alike for the upcoming release. Although most people expect little more from the project than abject failure, music critic Dirk Nugent argues that “Santorum’s unabashed misogyny and homophobia actually translate pretty well to hip hop. I think he could be a real crossover success.” Santorum’s lyrics deal mostly with current political issues, including this standout from “Liberals Ruin Everything,” the album opener: “hard economic times/things gettin’ scary/they even lettin’ gays back in the military.” And while it’s hard to anticipate the effect this move will have on his campaign and the greater political landscape, it’s safe to say Santorum’s mixtape will have more artistic value and be far more listenable than any of Will.i.am’s Obama-inspired output from 2008.

New TV comedy, Postmodern Family, premiers on ABC this week. The show follows a family of avatars living in a futuristic, utopian, virtual suburb of LA.

The main family is a group of time travelers who can only partially control when and where they go, leading to numerous comedic situations. The family also hangs out with the mother’s brother in law, a homosexual avatar who is legally married to a horse that can talk. The two of them also recently adopted an illegal immigrant with magical powers.

Since virtual bestiality-based marriage has only recently been legalized in California, the two families must stick together to fight the prejudice of the aliens who torment them in their dreams.

The family’s grandfather lives next door, though he is a demented old man who thinks he is the reincarnation of Atahualpa, the former Incan emperor, who was famous for marrying younger, Colombian women.

The show takes a brilliant spin on ironic, dystopian magical realism and beautifully invokes the meta-narrative. Overall, it’s a brilliant pastiche that really pushes the limits of our sense of temporal linearity, a must watch.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a movie studio in possession of a profitable franchise must produce a sequel. In keeping with that rule, BBC Studios announced giving the green light to 2 Proud 2 Prejudiced (in 3D), with Michael Bay set to direct.

The development comes after years of discussion at BBC on how to appeal to the perpetually elusive 18-49 year old single male demographic. “We’re going to really up the ante in this next film,” remarked Bay. “Those who thought that the original film could’ve been improved with some high-speed carriage races and a high-stakes waltz-off should be pleased.”

Bay touted the film’s 3D experience, claiming that audiences will literally be in the middle of the explosive banter and riveting sewing sessions. Calling it a film for the fans, Bay continued, “It’s got it all and more: more smoldering looks, more gripping turns around the room, and even more stupid women spouting inane dialogue.”

Donning Mr. Darcy’s polished riding boots will be the dependably available Vin Diesel, who fittingly excels in roles with more to do than say. The role of Elizabeth Bennett has yet to be cast, but rumor has it that Megan Fox and Jessica Alba are both in contention to depict the famously witty modern woman.

Though the film is only in pre-production, the BBC is anticipating a hit and already has a few other reboots in mind for their classic novel repertoire. As Bay justly inquires, “I mean, who wouldn’t want to see Wuthering Heights: Revenge of the Fallen?”