For years, environmental scientists blamed anthropogenic CO2 emissions for destroying the environment. However, a recent study by researchers at Stanford University found that the environment is itself to blame for much of the destruction to the environment.

Hurricanes, forest fires, earthquakes, and tsunamis are all responsible for killing trees, displacing entire colonies of native ant species, and scaring the bejesus out of fish.

“The environment is basically shooting itself in the foot,” said team leader Barbara Richardson. “We try to help the environment by recycling and not showering, and it responds with a tornado. What a douchebag!” Many people agree–the environment is totally out of control.

In response to the report, many people around the world have begun asking the environment to stop hurting itself. “I talk to the environment every day,” said Jamie Kwan, a Los Angeles resident. “I talk to the ground. I talk to the trees. I just hope the environment will listen to reason.

The U.S. state department yesterday put the environment on suicide watch in response to reports that the environment used lightning to burn down several trees in Montana.

Every April 22, thousands come together to “celebrate the beauty of the planet we call home.” But while our precious “environmentalists” promote their ever so special “Earth Day,” they are doing nothing more than legitimizing planetary discrimination and Earth superiority. According to a recent survey conducted by Reuters News Service, nearly 98% of Americans believe Earth is “the best planet in the solar system.” We live in a world where we get bent out of shape when we hear about racial discrimination or gender bias—yet no one cares about the injustice that actually matters. For millennia, the inhabitants of Earth have engaged in discrimination on a planetary scale. Sure, we have our Earth Day, but what about Mars or Mercury? What about Venus, or Neptune? Are these planets not worthy of our love or attention? How can we, in good conscience, care about the depletion of our O-zone layer while countless underprivileged planets can never hope to have anything even resembling an O-zone layer?

People promote Earth Day, but what these people fail to realize is that every day is Earth Day. When was the last time you heard someone lobbying to preserve the atmosphere on Jupiter? How many activists work to protect the gaseous atmosphere on Uranus? The fact of the matter is, day in and day out, the environmentalists and “green citizens” think about just one thing: Earth.

But where do we go from here? How do we stop this perpetual cycle of planetary discrimination? The answer is education and reparations. Pluto, which has lost the most from planetary prejudice, has suffered from countless forms of discrimination over the years—people denying its existence, the claim that it orbits around the Earth rather than the sun, the denial of its basic planethood, etc. Since one Pluto day is equivalent to over six Earth days, Pluto Awareness Month would give the environmentalists over seven Earth months to appreciate the special nature of not just Pluto, but every planet that has been neglected by the Earth supremacists.

In light of the recent catastrophic earthquake and tsunami in Japan, Stanford’s Geophysics department has placed giant vats of Kraft Jell-O at various locations around campus. The initiative, spearheaded by earthquake-expert Professor Walker Johnson, has been met with great acclaim from both the university administration and student body. “We were trying to find a cheap and easy way of alerting the community of seismic activity,” said Johnson, “and I think that the Jell-O really will do the trick nicely.”

The innovative campaign — with its catchy slogan, “If the Jell-O shudders, duck and cover” — promises to bring the field of earthquake-detection to the everyday man and woman. “Yeah, I feel like I’m a lot more conscious of all those little tremors I wouldn’t usually worry about,” said Earth Systems major Peter Staten. “If I see any jiggles at all, I stay away from buildings for a bit.”

Though deceptively simple, the implementation of this bold new system of seismic sensors faces numerous challenges. For one, large amounts of red Jell-O have gone missing from several of the vats lining Serra — birds, squirrels, and foreign tourists are all suspect. The Stanford police have already apprehended five saboteurs this week who evidently had decided that having Jell-O shots at their party on Friday night was more important than the safety of their fellow students.

After much international pressure, The United States apologized for their use of Tsunamis on Japan, causing many issues with radiation. The United States thought it was an appropriate retaliatory measure for Pearl Harbor, but has since apologized for dropping the Tsunami.
Humanitarianists around the world are clamoring for a disarmament policy of tsunamis, but the US is not convinced it’s in their best interest. They claim that Russia is stockpiling tsunamis and North Korea may also be in possession of a Tsunami.

Freshman Katie Swimmer took her parents to the Treehouse for lunch last weekend, but she couldn’t stop her parents from commenting on the potato forks they used to eat their meal.

“They just wouldn’t shut the fuck up about the damn potato forks,” commented Katie, “I haven’t seen them in months, and all they wanted to talk about was how ‘green’ the campus was. Whoop-dee fuckin doo.”

Katie’s parents couldn’t be reached, but we hear they are still beside themselves and still can’t believe they made utensils out of potatoes.

In the wake of Arcade Fire’s “The Suburbs” winning album of the year at this year’s Grammys, the nation’s hipster community is reeling as it is forced to reevaluate its opinion of the former indie darlings. Since the release of 2004’s “Funeral,” Arcade Fire has been a favorite of hipster critics, hipster bloggers and hipster music fans alike. But some fear that recognition from the music business establishment is a sign that the band has gone too mainstream or, in the words of popular culture blog Ironic Fixed-Gear Bicycle Tattoo, “become another concubine in the whore-house of corporate America.” Another reviewer added that where the band’s previous albums contained “beautiful and affected sprawling pop melodies,” “The Suburbs” consists of “over-produced, grandiose bubblegum pop.” However, it should be noted that although divided on the legitimacy of the band, the hipster community still prefers Arcade Fire’s earlier work.

With environmental consciousness on the rise throughout the United States, product engineers at L’Oreal have resorted to extreme measures to tailor their shampoo to the eco-friendly. According to spokeswoman Sandra Mills, “no animals were harmed in the making of this shampoo. No rocks, boulders, or large trees were harmed in the making of this shampoo. In fact, to represent our commitment to resolving worldwide drought, our shampoo is also water-free.”

Another feature of the new line of Hair-Care-Because-The-Earth-Is-Ours-To-Share products is a focus on nutritional consciousness. Head chemical engineer Richard Leyvan met with our reporters earlier this week to discuss the novel product. “Our shampoo is gluten-free, vegan, pescaterian, vegetarian, flexitarian, humanitarian, and amphibian,” he said. “You name an ‘-ian’ and we’ve got you covered!” When asked why consumers would be eating their shampoo, Leyvan declined to comment.

Finally, the product itself represents L’Oreal’s reworked mission statement of “aligning your hair with the vibe of the cosmos.” To avoid blocking energy flow and impeding proper chi, L’Oreal technicians worked with James Cameron and members of the Pandoran Na’vi trive to ensure proper feng shui of the shampoo. Each package of new L’Oreal Eco-Poo is 100% Eywa-guaranteed.

In an effort to remain a leader in environmental sustainability, Stanford has announced plans to capture and use University President John Hennessy’s raw sexual energy to meet the campus’s ever-growing energy needs. Similar to wind or solar power, the plan relies on a converting a naturally abundant, renewable and seemingly limitless source of energy into a usable form such as electricity or heat. The administration is confident that this new project, assuming Hennessy keeps with his current exercise regimen and diet, will meet 50% of the university’s energy needs when it goes into effect in 2012.

The idea for the project was reportedly hatched late one night at a Board of Trustees meeting. The board had been arguing about ways to reduce the university’s carbon footprint; frustration was quickly building and everyone just wanted a timely and satisfying resolution and they found it in the President’s voluptuous figure. After hours of debate, Hennessy stood to remove his jacket before undoing the top button on his dress shirt and loosening his tie ever so slightly as a hush fell over the room. They had an answer. One board member said of the moment, “I’ve always found John to be a very attractive older man, but I mean [shivers]…that night it just hit me. I realized I just had to tap that…I mean tap that potential for clean, renewable energy.”

The Hennessy Project is part of a larger initiative to “green” Stanford’s image that also includes riding bikes instead of driving and putting “these come from trees” stickers on paper towel dispensers in bathrooms. Said one board member, “We want make Stanford sustainable for the future and I’m confident that can we ride President Hennessy all the way to that goal. Oh, and the potato forks…yeah those are really going to help too.”

A few centuries ago, the sun decided to stop using Proactiv products on its surface because he “didn’t feel that they were really making any noticeable difference.”

For a while, the sun’s spots remained under control. However, it became evident that the sun made a huge mistake last Saturday when the most powerful solar flare in decades erupted.

“It was so embarrassing,” said the sun. “I had plans to hang out with this really hot red giant star, but I just decided to stay in and hide my face. Too bad it wasn’t a lunar eclipse.”

Earlier this week, Defense Department officials showcased a new “green” line of nuclear missiles.

“Contrary to popular belief, nuclear missiles are actually pretty destructive,” said Defense Secretary Robert Gates. “Especially when it comes to greenhouse emissions.”

According to the Defense Department’s website, the new nuclear missiles will no longer use traditional rocket thrusters but will instead rely on several industrial strength fans, powered by solar panels.

The new missiles will also be made entirely out of compostable materials.

“I visited Hiroshima a few months back and was disgusted to find some of the original shrapnel from the atom bomb still lying around,” said Appropriations Chairman Robert Wyde. “With our new biodegradable missile casings, I can finally rest assured that we’ll no longer be destroying our dear earth.”

“Well, at least not through pollution,” he added.