Stanford sophomore Marcus Stevenson took considerably too many peppermint-flavored mints after a recent meal at an upscale Italian restaurant on University Avenue, which authorities have refused to identify.

Traumatized witnesses reported seeing the twenty-year-old suspect seize anywhere between a “veritable shitload” and a “kilometric fuckton” of the red and white striped candies from the courtesy mint bowl sitting near the door. There have been no reports as to whether the porcelain bowl sustained any structural damage after such a significant percentage of its contents were suddenly removed.

“The hostess was standing right there getting ready to seat the next party,” said trip-organizer Ryan Dunfield in a statement intended to relieve some of the group’s collective guilt, “I guess we tipped generously and what not, but I don’t know if I’ll feel comfortable going back to that restaurant anytime soon.”

Stevenson did made a token effort to offer a portion of his mints to the other group members, especially those who had not been able to grab any due to the large crater he had excavated in the middle of the bowl, but the sweet peppermint flavor did nothing to assuage the nauseous feeling of guilt that most of his friends were experiencing.

“I totally wanted one of those mints cause the cannoli kinda left a weird taste in my mouth,” admitted Dunfield, “But after seeing how Marcus ravaged that bowl like a third-world colony, I just couldn’t stomach it anymore.”

When asked what would have happened if the restaurant had offered the green and black mints in addition to the standard red-and-white variety, Dunfield simply dropped his gaze and muttered, “God help us all.”

STERN DINING—In response to the recent downward trend in student diners at Stern Dining, General Manager Ron Bryan has implemented a “Frequent Diners” incentive program to increase student interest in the iconic East Campus facility.

“We are fighting for our way of life. Ever since the behemoth Arrillaga facility opened across the street, historic eateries like Stern Dining have been marginalized in campus society.”

At the heart of the new system, is a newly-developed currency called $tern Bux, which students receive each time they swipe their ID card at the entrance.  Each meal swipe will earn students $100, while dedicated students who wake up in time for breakfast will be rewarded with a bonus $200.

Once accumulated, students can redeem the $tern Bux for special activities and prizes. $1000 earns a student the use of a tray at his or her meal, while 3000 $tern Bux can be redeemed for a free meal at Arrillaga Dining Commons. There is even some speculation that the athletic department will award Big Game loyalty points to anyone who swipes their card at brunch this Sunday.

Despite the promising potential of the new program, student response has been largely characterized by skepticism and disappointment.

“The deal looked good up front, but that was before I read all the fine print. They roped me into their contract, and before I knew it I was committed to eating there for the next two years,” explained a disgruntled Donner freshman between bites of overcooked hamburger meat.

Representatives from Stern have reached out to Manzanita Dining for additional tips on how to reclaim dissatisfied students.

STOREY HOUSE, ROW—Stanford junior and girlfriend Lisa Alberts has started to implement a loyalty points system for her boyfriend Eric Bellman.

Bellman, who has been extremely flakey over the last two and a half months of the relationship, said he has had a hard time keeping up with the loyalty points system.

“First I have to go hang out with her while she does her homework on Tuesday nights to get one point, and then I have to attend her dance show Friday night to get another loyalty point. I need five loyalty points to get in the bedroom… and honestly, these events aren’t even related to sex!”

“A few years ago, all I had to do was show up,” lamented a visibly frustrated Bellman.

Alberts has said the points system has been extremely effective. “When so many people want access to your bedroom, you just need a way to sort between them.”

SAN FRANCISCO, CA–Waking up far too early and paying far too much money to run far much too long a distance, dozens of Stanford women headed north to San Francisco for the Nike Women’s Half-Marathon this past Sunday. “I feel really validated now that I’ve run an arbitrary distance in an arbitrary location,“ said sophomore Jane Davids as she limped back to her car after 2.5 hours of sheer monotony. “Sure I could have run the same route at a much more convenient time for nothing other than the cost of gas, but then I wouldn’t be able to say I completed a real, official half-marathon.” When asked for comment, Nike executive Mitch Baker declined, as he was too busy rolling in money achieved entirely through brand recognition.

North Park Elementary 2nd grader and renowned criminal sketch artist Joey Habman was the hero of last week’s Stanford police hunt.

Police contacted the savant artist Habman, who has been drawing since at least kindergarten, to jot down the crucial details of the suspect’s profile. The victim of the robbery reportedly told police that the suspect had “two eyes, hair, and a nose, and about ten fingers and two legs.”

From this striking detail, Habman was able to beautifully reconstruct a Crayola facial composite drawing of the suspect. “He had his own artistic interpretation of the profile,” said Julie Habman, Joey’s mother. “He really felt the way to get the message across was through the pink flowers, big yellow sun, and really big tree.”

After the criminal sketch was released, the Stanford community rallied together and was able to quickly find the robber. “We think the tree was what eventually caught the suspect,” said chief of police Roy McKinley. “He was just standing right next to that big tree.”

Dear Andrew,

Let’s dispense with the formalities. We should be friends. I’m not talking Bill and Ted or Harold and Maude—I’m thinking more like Damon and Affleck. You know, just two laid-back, successful dudes that happen kick it together on the weekends and sometimes during the week when they don’t have too much going on.

Obviously you’ve got some things going for you. You’re the favorite to win the Heisman and within a year you’ll be getting paid 10+ million a year to play in the NFL. But let’s talk about what I bring to the table.

Not to brag, but I have quite a few friends. And I know a ton of girls. Like if I were to throw a party, there would definitely be girls there. Also, one of my friends has a Gamecube and a TV. Sometimes we just kick it, drink some beers, play a little Mariokart Double Dash. He only has four controllers but the games go fast so we could rotate you in pretty quickly. Speaking of beers, I know a couple guys that are 21 and one guy with a fake so you could say we’re always “well-stocked” (with alcohol, that is). Worst case scenario, we can always ask my friend’s sister to get us some stuff.

So I know you’re probably super busy with the football and school and everything. I totally am too—like, I’ve got a bunch of classes and people are always trying to get me to go to their parties and stuff—but hit me up if you’re trying to chill sometime. I could probably fit you in.

Keep it real,
Conor

When draw results were announced last Wednesday via Axess, freshman student and current Twain resident Jack Burnings was marginally content with the results.  Sources close to Burnings report that he and his five closest friends will be moving across Escondido Road to Branner, though it was not evident whether he scored a two-room double or got assigned to the less desirable one-room double option.

According to blog posts believed to be written by Burnings over the past month, experts predict that the freshman desired to draw into an upper row house, and was terrified of being assigned to FloMo.  Branner was only mentioned briefly in the blog, and was grouped with Crothers and Roble as being “a fairly solid option…overall, meh.”

A friend and hallmate of Burnings recently spoke to the Flipside under conditions of anonymity:  “Jack is really taking this in stride.  He doesn’t seem to be too excited or too distraught.  It’s like he has been riding an emotional roller coaster this week…but a really tame, flat roller coaster.”

Friends in Burnings’ draw group were unavailable for comment this week, possibly as a result of the extraordinarily unemotional state they find themselves in.

Vietnamese chain restaurant Pho Queue is coming to Stanford. Famous for its long lines and delicious cuisine, it’s sure to get students excited and really arouse everyone’s taste buds.

“I can’t wait to get Pho Queue!” said freshman, Billy Jackson. “I hear their food is really hot and steamy.”

Restaurant owner Ho Fah-Cho is excited to fill the need for more campus eateries. “Pho Queue with Cardinal Dollar or real money,” he said. “Pho Queue right here. Pho Queue to go. Pho Queue all over the place. Morning. Night. Anytime. Pho Queue all day long.”

“I had a Pho Queue in my hometown,” said Sophomore Jimmy Stanten. “It’s great for dates. Not sure if I’d take a girl there on a first date, but for a third or fourth date, Pho Queue for sure.”

In one of the greatest feel-good stories of the twenty-first century, Crothers resident Lori Scone and Slav resident Jack Holloway are managing what many have called “an almost-impossible” long distance relationship. Despite being on different sides of Campus Drive and only managing to see each other once every several months, Lori and Jack are finding a way to make it work. “It’s been really hard, but ultimately it’s tested us and made our relationship grow stronger,” said Lori. “And it just makes the times we do see each other that much better.” Lori’s closest friend Alicia Sagan has seen the relationship prosper from its early days. “I don’t know how they do it. I know they Skype every now and then and send texts to each other during the day … but she makes such a sacrifice for him. This long distance relationship really takes her out of the campus social scene, and I just don’t know how she resists on-campus temptation. I mean, have you ever been to the Crothers Barbecue?”