Findings from a recent Gallup Poll suggest that Republican Presidential Nominee Ron Paul is the clear leader among citizens who refuse to give their personal information to the government. The poll found that Rep. Paul’s belief in gun rights, desire to limit the federal government, racism and willingness to support batshit conspiracy theories really resonate with these wouldn’t-be voters.

The poll itself was difficult to conduct given than many people in this demographic don’t own phones and so had to be surveyed in person. Said a representative from Gallup, “Among the respondents interviewed in person, Ron Paul was actually only the third most common response behind ‘Get off my property!’ and ‘Obama is Satan!’ However, we decided to register these as ‘no opinion.’”

This is something of a mixed blessing for Paul and his supporters. In light of this news, the campaign is working on a strategy for mobilizing this demographic centered on convincing them that showing up to a primary won’t result in anyone stealing their guns and/or organs.

After years of bitter struggle, the Israel and Palestine camps have reached an agreement: Modern Family is the best show on television.

Negotiations had been at a standstill until both sides realized it was almost eight o’clock and Modern Family was about to start.

Political pundits explained that negotiations had to be put on hold because neither side would tolerate missing the beginning of the show. They also explained that, oftentimes, a recurring theme or joke is established within the first few minutes that ties together the entire episode.

“Those gay guys–they are so funny,” said a man with an accent, who may have belonged to either side.

“When Phil Dunphy came on, we realized it was time to put aside our differences and gawk at the stupid white people on the screen,” said right-wing militant and religious zealot Zev Ben-Hofferwitz.

The peace accord quickly deteriorated when it was discovered that Steven Levitan, Jew, was involved in the production of the show.

Despite this, the agreement marked the biggest advance in Middle East Peace since Jimmy Carter convinced the Israeli and Egyptian leaders to enjoy “Dallas” in 1978.

Confronted with a sorry group of candidates growing more ridiculous with each passing debate, the GOP recently announced an intent to forgo party decorum in favor of an unorthodox political strategy in the 2012 election. After a heated six hour, closed-door discussion, GOP leaders have announced that they will not wait for the conclusion of the republican primaries and instead have nominated a cement mixing truck parked in an adjacent lot.

“It’s really the best strategy we have at this point,” a GOP committee representative said in a press conference earlier this week, “after carefully weighing the options, we believe that this truck is far more electable than the petulant nitwits running so far.” Democratic analysts agree, grudgingly praising the Republican nomination as the strongest political move the GOP has made this year.

When asked about taxes and fiscal policy for the coming year, the cement truck reportedly groaned and spewed out semi-hardened, viscous slag, which Republican Party leaders agree is a vast improvement over what comes out of the other candidates’ mouths.

Just days after announcing the suspension of his presidential campaign, Herman Cain found himself in the midst of yet another political scandal as Roberta Hernandez accused Cain of engaging in a “professional relationship” with her while he was chair of the National Restaurant Owner’s Association. “We would sit in the boardroom, and as we discussed quarterly profits and financial projections, [Cain] would move his hand above my skirt, below my breasts, and into my hand, where he would shake it two or three times before directing me to take a seat,” said Hernandez, as she made a sultry demonstration of Cain’s non-suggestive hand motions. “He told me that what we had in our meeting was to stay between us and the board of trustees, that it should be our little business secret that we should share only with our investors.” Though Cain was slow to respond, he admitted that he had worked with Hernandez but that he had nothing to say about the nature of his relationship with her or any of the other members of the board.

CAPITOL HILL—Today, Congress heard arguments over a bill that would mandate the replacement of the scientific method with what lawmakers are calling the “Blue’s Clues” method.

The bill would eliminate observational evidence, rigorous laboratory analysis, and doctored scientists with paw prints, a thinking chair, and the Salt and Pepper Family.

“The complexities of modern science are completely lost on me,” said Senator Mitch McConnell, who sponsored the bill, “We need to go back to basics. I’m talking three clues and a handy-dandy notebook.”

Senator McConnell then refused to answer any more questions, telling Flipside reporters that it was “mail time.”

Within the last week, a video showing rioting students at UC Davis attacking unarmed cans of pepper spray with their eyes has gone viral and sparked outrage among pacifist and free-speech groups.  Protestors also attacked police batons with soft, vulnerable parts of their bodies such as their stomachs and backs.

University police released an official report of the incident, which stated that the militant protestors were aggressively seated in a semicircle, armed with a threatening assortment of body parts with which to launch an offensive against police equipment.  A disturbed eyewitness recalled the event:

“They [the students] hit the pepper spray with their eyes over and over again until the can was completely empty.  Not once did the can offer any sort of resistance.  Not once.  The protestors were mad, crazy, screaming and yelling with tears of fury running down their faces.”

This event followed a week in Oakland during which unruly demonstrators repeatedly attacked police riot gear and tear gas.  Officers are fearful that if the movement does not abate, police bullets may become the next victim of the dissidents’ violent tactics.

Presidential hopeful Rick Perry sat down to dinner on Thursday for his favorite all-American holiday: Thanksgiving. Eager to convince his family that he deserves to be at the head of the table, he asserted that he had three things to be thankful for this year: “Health, the Second Amendment, and…”

Silence fell on the table. Ron Paul, who everyone forgot had been invited to the celebration, tried to help out, offering “the EPA?” Perry’s children, resentful of the fact that the three of them were not mentioned, suggested that maybe he really meant five things. But Perry shook them off, as obviously they were trying to trip him up. “The third thing I’m thankful for…let’s see…I can’t,” he conceded. Completely stumped, he just accepted his oops moment.

It wasn’t until after Paul claimed gratefulness toward liberty that Perry jumped up, shouting, “There it is, that’s it! Right? Damn it!” and poured himself another glass of wine.