STANFORD—Following the path of Toby Gerhart and Andrew Luck, Stanford redshirt Pre-Freshman Adam Adler ’12 announced his decision to enter the 2012 NFL Draft.

“After a great deal of contemplation and discussions with my family and friends, I have decided to forgo my 4 years of NCAA eligibility,” announced Adler, in a statement released late last night.

At 5’6″, 120 pounds, Adler has a sleek but strong build. He has an explosive enthusiasm, is very easy-going, and always knows which way the ball is supposed to go. On the field, Adler boasts some impressive statistics. Adler hasn’t missed a single field goal attempt in any of his regular season games and, unlike most draft contenders, he is equally proficient in all field positions.

While it’s hard to say where Adler will fall in the rankings, Adler remains optimistic about his prospects for future success. “It’s hard to tell with these things, but I put in the time, so I know everything will work out in the end.”

After the first round returns on NBA All Star ballots, Yao Ming was comfortably on his way to securing his 9th All Star selection, even though he officially retired last summer. Many fans are concerned, but some are in favor of Yao playing in the game.

“Despite not even being on a roster this year, his contribution to the international development of the game really gives him a leg up,” said ESPN analyst, Skip Bayless as he jumped on his desk and screamed like a monkey.

NBA writers have begun to wonder whether Chinese fans even know that Yao retired. “It’s quite possible that with the censorship that exists in China, many fans still believe that Yao is still playing,” said writer Marc Stein. “It’s unfortunate because there are at least tens of players more deserving than Yao this year.”

Surprisingly, the players with the next highest number of votes are Yi Jianlian, Wang Zhi Zhi, and Kobe Blyant.

On the verge of the annual dorm ski trips, many Stanford students are worried about the way in which this year’s record low snowfall will impact trip quality. “I know there won’t be much snow, but I’m definitely still planning on drinking a shit ton,” said Sophomore Will Gold as he replaced his ski goggles with his beer goggles. Some students are complaining that it will feel weird being in Tahoe in the winter with so little snow, but they are still confident that they will get thoroughly trashed. “I’ve never been skiing before,” said Freshman heavyweight Sarah Lee as she dusted off her fake ID. “I’m really excited to drink at altitude because I’ve heard that you don’t need to drink as much to get fucked up.” Students are also excited to get lost on the way there, hook up with their dorm mates, and try to guess what is in the hot tub besides water.

In a controversial announcement, student activities administrator, Amanda Rodriquez announced that the Football Team would not be allowed to attend the Fiesta Bowl.

“The team should not be allowed to participate in an event that cheapens such an important culture,” she said. “Hosting parties centered around Mexican traditions like the ‘fiesta’ can easily go south, no pun intended. Plus, last year, we wouldn’t let the basketball team have a Fiesta Night, so I’m not making special cases for football.”

Many students are shocked that the team won’t be allowed to go. Senior, Nick Bolton disagreed with the motivation behind the decision.

“They don’t call it the ‘Fiesta Bowl’ to make fun of their culture,” he said as he sang Des Colores with his mariachi band. “They named it that because fiesta means party, and parties are awesome.”

Unfortunately, for the same reasons, Stanford will also not be allowed to participate in the ‘Aloha Bowl,’ the ‘Little Caesars Bowl,’ or the ‘Black People Love Fried Chicken Bowl.’

With the arrival of ESPN’s flagship college football program College Gameday and, more importantly, Erin Andrews, hundreds of Stanford students finally had the opportunity to enjoy The Oval for the first time in their undergraduate careers.

“I remember my Admit Weekend tour guide telling me that The Oval was a great place to play Ultimate Frisbee, relax in the sun with a good book, or take a date at night,” exclaimed senior Jessica McDonald in between ESPN montages of football players and gratuitous amounts of Home Depot marketing spots. “To be honest, though, I wouldn’t have even remembered this place existed if not for all the postcards in the bookstore.”

“I thought I would be hanging out at The Oval all the time when I arrived for NSO,” said junior Jason Boggs, “I’m just surprised my first visit here was at 6 in the morning to watch a group of adults in suits and ties talk about college students playing a game against each other.”

Dozens of Stanford students left the early morning broadcast amazed with the beauty of The Oval and swearing to return soon, which, objectively, they won’t.

Even though the Cardinal lost to the Ducks, students are still up in arms about the number of loyalty points required to enter the game.

“It’s fucking bullshit,” bitched Steven Palmer, a holder of 10 loyalty points. “I went to everything. Women’s volleyball. Men’s soccer. Even the San Jose State football game.”

Steven and many other students expressed their aggravation this week about how much unnecessary work they did.

“I really feel like it cheapens what I’ve done,” said Sophomore Haley Hendricks, looking at her 11 loyalty points in despair. “I worked so hard, and I feel like I deserve a higher priority than students with just 5 points.”

After several years of continued success on the gridiron, President Hennessy announced that Stanford University would transfer all funds dedicated to academics to the championship-contending football program. “Honestly, the average American does not give two shits that we’re one of the best academic schools in the country,” Hennessy explained as he tore off his suit to reveal a #12 Andrew Luck jersey. “But what they do care about is our yards per carry. We’re simply supplying a demand.” When asked for an opinion, SEC fans shouted incoherently.