Findings from a recent Gallup Poll suggest that Republican Presidential Nominee Ron Paul is the clear leader among citizens who refuse to give their personal information to the government. The poll found that Rep. Paul’s belief in gun rights, desire to limit the federal government, racism and willingness to support batshit conspiracy theories really resonate with these wouldn’t-be voters.

The poll itself was difficult to conduct given than many people in this demographic don’t own phones and so had to be surveyed in person. Said a representative from Gallup, “Among the respondents interviewed in person, Ron Paul was actually only the third most common response behind ‘Get off my property!’ and ‘Obama is Satan!’ However, we decided to register these as ‘no opinion.’”

This is something of a mixed blessing for Paul and his supporters. In light of this news, the campaign is working on a strategy for mobilizing this demographic centered on convincing them that showing up to a primary won’t result in anyone stealing their guns and/or organs.

Alvin Peterson, a freshman who is enrolled in Econ 1A, has recently announced that he has discovered the solution to all of the country’s economic problems.

Having covered the first three chapters of the introductory textbook, which Alvin apparently obtained through a “sweet deal on Amazon,” the FroSoCo resident has gained a sufficient understanding of the subtleties of the nation’s political economy to instruct the Federal Reserve Board, the President’s advisors, and the executive cabinet on fiscal and monetary policy.

“We should cut the interest rates because then people spend more and that’s good”, said Alvin, while drawing a shaky supply and demand graph with a ballpoint pen in his wide-ruled notebook, “I mean, I did get a 9/10 on my first problem set. I think I know what I’m talking about here.”

Just days after announcing the suspension of his presidential campaign, Herman Cain found himself in the midst of yet another political scandal as Roberta Hernandez accused Cain of engaging in a “professional relationship” with her while he was chair of the National Restaurant Owner’s Association. “We would sit in the boardroom, and as we discussed quarterly profits and financial projections, [Cain] would move his hand above my skirt, below my breasts, and into my hand, where he would shake it two or three times before directing me to take a seat,” said Hernandez, as she made a sultry demonstration of Cain’s non-suggestive hand motions. “He told me that what we had in our meeting was to stay between us and the board of trustees, that it should be our little business secret that we should share only with our investors.” Though Cain was slow to respond, he admitted that he had worked with Hernandez but that he had nothing to say about the nature of his relationship with her or any of the other members of the board.

CAPITOL HILL—Today, Congress heard arguments over a bill that would mandate the replacement of the scientific method with what lawmakers are calling the “Blue’s Clues” method.

The bill would eliminate observational evidence, rigorous laboratory analysis, and doctored scientists with paw prints, a thinking chair, and the Salt and Pepper Family.

“The complexities of modern science are completely lost on me,” said Senator Mitch McConnell, who sponsored the bill, “We need to go back to basics. I’m talking three clues and a handy-dandy notebook.”

Senator McConnell then refused to answer any more questions, telling Flipside reporters that it was “mail time.”

In a surprising announcement released moments after waking up, still in his slacks, on the morning of Black Friday, Sophomore Jerry Langdon declared to his friends and family that he was “never eating turkey again”.

“The night began so innocuously,” said Langdon, “At first I just had some of those mini hot dogs and a serving of spinach dip.  I thought I was being so careful; I even waited a full hour for it to burn off.”

Unfortunately, though, this was not enough to prevent disaster.

“I started with dark meat, and then a hefty portion of white meat.  The white meat went down so smooth that I didn’t even need to chase it with stuffing. But what really got me was the turkey pot pie.  I swear, you couldn’t even taste the turkey in it.”

Langdon’s memory is shaky after this, but according to his mother, Jerry followed up the pot pie with a full leg and was then so full that he puked and passed out on the couch.

“I told him not to have the leg,” said his mother, Lenore, “but he just mumbled something about having a higher tolerance than he had in his freshman year and dug in.”

When asked for an opinion on Jerry’s declaration, his brother Alan said, “Oh please.  Jerry said the same thing last year, and the year before that.  I bet he’ll even have leftover turkey for lunch tomorrow.”

When asked to comment on his brother’s remarks, Jerry stated, “Yeah, he’s probably right.”

Within the last week, a video showing rioting students at UC Davis attacking unarmed cans of pepper spray with their eyes has gone viral and sparked outrage among pacifist and free-speech groups.  Protestors also attacked police batons with soft, vulnerable parts of their bodies such as their stomachs and backs.

University police released an official report of the incident, which stated that the militant protestors were aggressively seated in a semicircle, armed with a threatening assortment of body parts with which to launch an offensive against police equipment.  A disturbed eyewitness recalled the event:

“They [the students] hit the pepper spray with their eyes over and over again until the can was completely empty.  Not once did the can offer any sort of resistance.  Not once.  The protestors were mad, crazy, screaming and yelling with tears of fury running down their faces.”

This event followed a week in Oakland during which unruly demonstrators repeatedly attacked police riot gear and tear gas.  Officers are fearful that if the movement does not abate, police bullets may become the next victim of the dissidents’ violent tactics.

Presidential hopeful Rick Perry sat down to dinner on Thursday for his favorite all-American holiday: Thanksgiving. Eager to convince his family that he deserves to be at the head of the table, he asserted that he had three things to be thankful for this year: “Health, the Second Amendment, and…”

Silence fell on the table. Ron Paul, who everyone forgot had been invited to the celebration, tried to help out, offering “the EPA?” Perry’s children, resentful of the fact that the three of them were not mentioned, suggested that maybe he really meant five things. But Perry shook them off, as obviously they were trying to trip him up. “The third thing I’m thankful for…let’s see…I can’t,” he conceded. Completely stumped, he just accepted his oops moment.

It wasn’t until after Paul claimed gratefulness toward liberty that Perry jumped up, shouting, “There it is, that’s it! Right? Damn it!” and poured himself another glass of wine.

WASHINGTON, DC–Last week, amidst heated debate over Obama’s Jobs bill, the United States House of Representatives shut down after Rep. Charles Rangel (D-NY) saw a spider. “We were debating Obama’s Jobs Bill, when all of a sudden we see Chuck just go ballistic,” said Paul Ryan (R-WI). “He yelled out ‘SPIDER!’ jumped on top of his desk, and refused to move. I didn’t even think the guy could move that fast.”

Following Rangel’s initial outburst, the House shut down for 45 minutes as a bipartisan group of Representatives led by Speaker of the House John Bohener attempted to track down the disruptive spider. As the group commenced their search, numerous House Democrats reportedly moved across the aisle in order to avoid the threatening arachnid, a reaction that has been criticized by many House Republicans.

“This just shows how weak the Democrats are when it comes to security,” said House Majority Leader Eric Cantor. “At the first sign of trouble, they run over to the Republicans for help. Let me tell you—if the spider had been seen by a Republican, this scare would have been over before it began. I would’ve taken off my shoe and squashed it right then and there.”

While the bipartisan group of representatives, now called the “Spider Hunters,” was unable to find the threatening spider, group members were able to coax Rep. Rangel down from his desk and managed to convince almost all of the House Democrats to return to their seats. The House eventually returned to business, though many house members report that representatives on both sides of the aisle remained jittery and distracted for the remainder of the day.

STANFORD, CA- After meeting with the heads of every academic department, the provost and vice-provost, Dean Julie, Condoleezza Rice, and Andrew Luck, President John L. Hennessy announced this morning that Stanford would be seceding from the union.

Said Hennessy, “We feel that as a University, we would function more successfully as our own country rather than as a part of the United States,” Hennessy continued, “If Stanford were a country, we would’ve finished 11th in the Beijing Olympics medal count. We have chemical engineers that can build bombs for our defense, and we have a controlling interest in the biggest tech company in the world.”

Stanford plans to complete secession in the next two years and will have an unveiling of the plain red flag in Memorial Auditorium later this week.