“I found out my roommate was straight today, and I’m a little surprised,” remarked freshman Ronald Stewart. “I never would have guessed. But that doesn’t change anything between us. He’s still the same person he was before I found out, and I respect him so much for being courageous enough to be honest about his sexuality. I know it’s a big step for him, and I support him one hundred percent.”

Others on campus were less supportive. One student, upon discovering that a longtime friend was indeed heterosexual, stated, “I’m having trouble thinking of him as straight. It’s probably just a phase.” She then added, “It’s kind of weird finding this out after so long. And creepy, too- I mean, I’ve undressed in front of him before. I’m not sure I can think of him in the same way now.”

After Thursday, students await the next event promoting openness among the Stanford community: “Just Tell Us The Truth Already And We’ll Be Cool With It” day.

The San Jose Mercury News reported Friday that porn kingpin Larry Flynt is in the process of finishing the final touches to his latest porn video starring Palin look-alike Lisa Ann. The film titled “Nailin Paylin” is set to hit porn shops before the November election and is said to contain several scenes of the Vice Presidential candidate doing things that would make even Bill Clinton blush. Upon hearing the news, many online bloggers (porn-addicts) sent in suggestions for titles such as “Juneau you want it” and “Northern Exxxposure.” Reports from The New York Daily News say…

The faux Sarah is Lisa Ann, who “will be nailing the Russians who come knocking on her back door.” In another scene–a flashback– “young Palin’s creationist college professor will explain a ‘big bang’ theory even she can’t deny!”

The film is supposedly centered around Paylin’s relationship with Joe Sixpack, your average run-of-the-mill American man. Paylin originally meets Joe after accidentally shooting him on a hunting expedition, something that is now expected of all republican vice presidents. Paylin, a republican, and Joe, a democrat, engage in bipartisan intercourse in a number of locations including the governor’s mansion, a hockey rink, and an abortion clinic. In the final scene Paylin finds out Joe has been taking Viagra and breaks up with him, leaving Joe with a 4-hour “boner to nowhere,” and balls bluer than the democratic national convention.

Many in the Obama camp fear that this movie will hurt his ratings amongst niche porn fanatics. Indeed the most recent Gallup poll of niche porn addicts saw Obama lose 3 points as a result of the announcement. Republicans are ecstatic, but pray that this video doesn’t put any ideas into McCain’s head. Of course, they are not afraid he will act on any sexual urges, as that is physically impossible, they just don’t want to unnecessarily raise his blood pressure.

Students Can No Longer Produce Viable Offspring With Taller, More Social People

Biology majors at Stanford University reported the emergence of a new species yesterday after decades of fieldwork and research. The Freshman-Sophomore College residents, once thought to be merely Lagunitans who migrated closer to the golf ranges, have finally split with their largely Homo sapien peers.

“It is an incredibly rare thing… to see the founder’s effect at work within one campus,” Head researcher Dr. Hufnpuf asserted at the press conference. “The selectivity of the dorm, we thought, could be the only logical factor. But, upon close study of the ‘FroSoCoans’ in their natural habitat, we found geographical obstacles- distance from main quad, FroSoCo’s elevation- to be more influential. Our research has shown that the FroSoCoan can no longer produce viable offspring with other Stanford residents.”

Indeed, many of Stanford’s human students have no idea where this secretive band is, though a few have made the perilous journey to “Ricker”, their main social gathering hub. Here, amid the fat free milk dispensers and low fat ice cream squirters, one may catch a glimpse of the wily FroSoCoan. Unlike their human counterparts, most FroSoCoans are short in stature, thin, and quite skittish. Their shyness towards outsiders is rivaled only by the sheer fervor with which they mumble scientific and mathematical analogies to other FroSoCoans. One intrepid senior has proposed that these ramblings compose a sort of language for the Governor’s Corner residents, but no conclusive proposals have surfaced yet, save that the utterances are, at best, “really awkward”.

After endlessly bickering over a $2800 disaster known as the Welcome Barbecue, Senators Luukas Ilves ’09 and Yvorn Aswad-Thomas ’11 offered a joint resolution in the hopes of restoring collegiality and camaraderie among the divided student leaders. The resolution stipulated that a joint be passed around the chamber, with Senate Chair Tiq Chapa ‘10 partaking first. In Section 2, Ilves and Aswad-Thomas enumerated the ‘Puff-Puff-Pass’ principle, which will henceforth revolutionize how Senate meetings are conducted: “In the interest of fairness and timeliness, no Senator shall appropriate for himself more than two inhalations before passing the joint to the Senator at his left” (Section 2).

The resolution passed unanimously, and each Senator attended to its execution with the utmost zeal (with the exception of Jonathan McMaster ’11, who coughed “like a bitch” according to Chapa). Shortly thereafter, the Senators began work on a discretionary fund to allocate resources toward future joint resolutions as well as a fact-finding mission to Hampton, VA, where the recently reunited jam-band Phish will be performing in March 2009.