By Daniel Francinte

STANFORD, CA–After five consecutive sleep-deprived nights and countless hours of research, the Medical School came to conclusive results and found that junior undergraduate student Alex Fontaine was tired.

    They had four researchers watching him around the clock as he ate, did his homework, dozed off in class, and napped during the middle of the day. The researchers were looking for the five signs of tiredness, mainly bags under the eyes, bad posture, excessive yawning, laying of the head on a desk or table, and outward complaining of tiredness.

    “Yeah, I’m pretty tired,” said Fontaine when asked for comment. “I was probably up ‘til four last night, and with the homework I have,” he paused to yawn, “I’ll probably be up ‘til two or three tonight too.”

    Head researcher on the project Dr. Jodi Partman was ecstatic with the study results. “We noted that social pressures as well as workload were main factors in keeping the subject up late. In one day the subject reported being tired seventeen times to friends, and three other times under his breath. The implications are revolutionary. With this new data, we can confidently reccomend to Mr. Fontaine that he get at least two hours more sleep per night.”

    Fontaine said that he probably knew that he was tired already, but that it was good to hear an expert opinion on the subject. However, he was doubtful whether this would lead to any more hours of sleep.

    Close friends of Fontaine noted that he was pretty much always tired.

    “I have a twelve page chem paper due tomorrow,” said Fontaine, “and I haven’t even started.”

    Dr. Partman said she hopes to study other students, and hypothesizes that around 90% will be tired.
    

A collaboration between beverage giant PepsiCo and erectile dysfunction upstart Cialis has finally born fruit in the form of Pepsialis. “With Pepsialis, the goal is to quench your thirst with that refreshing Pepsi taste, while simultaneously promoting blood flow to the penile region,” declared Pepsi spokeswoman Anna Tirico. A multimedia marketing campaign is set to debut next week featuring the slogan ‘PEPSIALIS: FINALLY, A BEVERAGE YOU CAN GET EXCITED ABOUT.’

The remarkable new product has generated as much buzz as the iPhone- at least among certain demographics. “I can’t believe it. It’s like my prayers have been answered,” said Michael Carlin, a thirsty, middle-aged man who can’t get it up. “Mine too,” added Carlin’s wife Anita. Both plan to camp in front of the nearest Walgreen’s in anticipation of next Tuesday’s release. However, there have been fears that Pepsialis will get customers too excited. “Pepsialis has undergone rigorous clinical testing, but we would advise first-time customers to drink it judiciously until they understand how their body responds. Avoid drinking it before presentations, funerals, ballroom dancing classes, or preschool graduations,” added Tirico.

Coca-Cola has vowed not to let rival Pepsi corner the hard-on inducing soft drink market. A product developer who wished to remain anonymous confirmed that Coca-Cola is looking to partner with Viagra, but negotiations are proceeding slowly. “In case the Viagra deal falls through, we’re working on the first ever contraceptive beverage. Forget about Coke Zero. Get ready for Coke-RU-486!”