Naughty children all over the world woke this past Christmas morning only to realize their usual lumps of coal were not under the tree. Instead, they found miniature toy solar panels, compact fluorescent light bulbs, and hybrid remote control cars. Others woke to find their Christmas lights mysteriously unplugged, suspected to also be the work of the new energy conscious Santa.

People were alarmed at this sudden change. “How will our children know if they were naughty or nice?” one befuddled parent asked, “The line between the presents is so unclear. I think Santa needs to be more explicit in his message.” Others agreed, though it is safe to say Al Gore, a long time proponent of renewable energy and lobbyist to the Santa Claus Organization, was deeply satisfied.

When questioned, Santa declined to comment, though a source close to the Santa Claus Organization speculates that the decision to go green was precipitated by Rudolf’s red nose starting to dim. Others believe the economy caused Santa to reconsider his options and invest in the future. It is known that Elf layoffs have broken records, even exceeding levels reached in the Middle Ages, during the historic quarantine of Santa issued by Muhammad. That situation was thankfully handled when Charles Martel defeated the anti-Christmas army at the Battle of Tours.

Industry expert, Chris Masswell, said that the increased carbon emissions have created a haze that makes it difficult for Santa to see while on his sleigh. “This coupled with the rumored dimming of Rudolf’s nose was cause for alarm,” he remarked, “and I think the necessary action was taken, despite the consequences.”

By making a world-wide effort to “go green,” It appears Santa is starting to catch up to long time competitor Hannukkah Harry, who preserves one day’s worth of oil for 8 days each holiday season. Harry was not worried about this rise in competitiveness, reassuring us that while Santa is catching up on energy, Harry still controls the movie industry.

ASKS SANTA FOR $20 TRILLION, ENERGY SOLUTION, AND THE WII

WASHINGTON, D.C–In his last major act as President of the United States, George W. Bush has officially completed and signed into law the United States Christmas List. Since time was running out for the Bush Administration, he decided to act swiftly and quickly and take the necessary action to set out some items the country will want in the future.

Among other things, Bush requested that Santa get the United States $20 trillion, a new and improved auto industry, a solution to dependence on foreign oil, and the Wii. The new Macbook pro also got included in the list at the last second because it had lots of support from oil lobbyists.

“America, It’s time to feel the Christmas spirit,” said Bush in a recent press conference. “And what better way to do that then to get a new car or maybe a wooden picture frame.”

Critics of the President were quick to point out that Santa probably won’t grant the US all of its Christmas wishes, especially considering it has been very naughty this past year.

“If we look at how the country has been acting recently–take into account the greed and the lying and the lack of responsibility–I just don’t see any way Santa can look past that,” said Peter Allen, political analyst for the Times.

Bush had been highly considering adding a BB gun and “change” to the list, but the US already got that when Obama was elected president.

This year, the citizens of the United States will receive a special Christmas gift from the government. In light of recent economic difficulties and a general feeling of gloom across the country, Congress is expected to revise the Constitution for the first time in several decades. The new amendment will replace the “Privileges and Immunities” clause of the 14th Amendment with the “Santa Clause.”

This new version of the 14th Amendment will require the government to provide every American with a Christmas gift. “It’s really a matter of national pride,” remarked Democratic Majority Leader Harry Reid. “Americans are having a hard time discovering their holiday spirit this year. What better way to fix this than with a revision to one of the most important Constitutional amendments? It’s high time the government stepped up and recognized the obligation it has to help its people enjoy the holiday season, and the best way for the government to do this is through the Santa Clause.”

While some believe the new amendment will violate the separation of church and state, the ACLU has issued statements approving of the constitutional revision. In a recent press conference, Susan N. Herman, the president of the ACLU, announced, “There is no reason why this amendment would violate the separation of church and state. It is indisputable that, on Christmas, Kris Kringle distributed gifts to countless children. Is it so wrong for our government to honor someone by enshrining his name in the Constitution forever? By requiring the government to provide its citizens with presents, it will forever capture a key aspect of American culture—the holiday spirit.”

Other outspoken supporters argue the inclusion of Santa Clause into the Constitution will make it easier for children to relate to the Constitution. According to a recent Gallup Poll, 88% of American children have heard of the Santa Clause, while only 0.02% of children have heard of the Privileges and Immunities Clause. This statistic has even more weight given that the Privileges and Immunities Clause has been around for over 100 years, while the Santa Clause was proposed just a few days ago.

The amendment currently has bipartisan support in both the House and the Senate. It will be voted on next week and, if passed, will come into full effect this year, ensuring a present for every American on Christmas Day.

Dependency on foreign oil is among the major concerns of today’s troubled economy, so much so that many otherwise eager shoppers this holiday season are giving the dream ‘car for Christmas’ a second thought. In fact, new start-up Blitzen Solutions hopes to capitalize on this by introducing what it calls a “magical and cost-efficient alternative” to the BMW or Lexus on the wish list. For the first time ever, “flying reindeer” have been made available to the general public, long thought only a myth monopolized by the top toymaker, Santa Claus, himself. Several breeds are now for sale in many parts of the U.S. and Canada, with prices depending largely on the shine of the snout (several ruby colored rarities are apparently available to those with a little extra padding in the pocket).

One Palo Alto shopper, who preferred to remain anonymous for fear of ruining the surprise, explained his reason for purchasing two of the deer, plus a half-price sleigh: “It’s the real-deal. I didn’t even believe it was possible, making stops all around the world in just one night. You really have to see it to believe it―it’s just incredible.”

Talk among customers in a line extending far beyond the entrance of a local Blitzen Solutions outlet was equally optimistic about this holiday season’s biggest success story. An impromptu used car depot has even sprouted up in the parking lot next door, as so few of the new reindeer owners plan on returning to their old method of transportation.

Since hitting the market, reindeer sales have far exceeded expectations, triggering Blitzen Solutions’ stock to rally up, up, and away, with no end in sight. A company spokesman tried to explain what the fuss is all about: “What if we could drive flying reindeer instead of cars? Replace foreign oil with homegrown lettuce as the fuel of the future? That’s the premise. This isn’t just about saving a few bucks―it’s about getting America off the black gold. Santa doesn’t bow to OPEC, so why should we?”

One question remains: How did they finally get their hands on Santa’s little secret? Blitzen Solutions’ founder and CEO, however, declined to comment.