Stanford, CA – At most libraries Michael Blum (’10) would have walked away with a microfilm reel of Better Homes and Gardens from 1955. But not at Stanford. The library’s draconian checkout search policy finally paid off Friday when, after a comprehensive cavity search, a library employee found the microfilm hidden in Blum’s rectum.

“We are very happy with our security today,” said Michael B. Schultz, Associate Librarian of Checkout and Security Affairs. “It was because of our strict search policy that this theft was prevented.”

While over 99.7 percent of libraries in the United States use magnetic sensors to prevent unchecked materials from leaving the library, Stanford—though renowned for its technology—relies on a sophisticated system from the 1890s, in which students wait in line to have their bags and personal belongings searched before exiting the library. Students are also subject to comprehensive strip and cavity searches.

“Although our policy clearly violates the personal rights of Stanford students and is humiliating and demeaning to both employees and community members, we believe the cost has finally been justified,” said Dana Scalabrine, Assistant Director of Microfilm and Microfiche Collections. “It would have been a tragedy had we lost that microfilm reel.”

Faced with increasing numbers of stressed students and flustered professors, the Stanford Registrar’s Office has just announced plans to implement a new, Epic Fail grading scale. Unlike the number and letter based scales of the past, the epic fail scale will rank students based on skills, ownage, and degree of noobishness. We sat down with Mr. Emory Hearst, one of several drafters of the plan.

“Thank you, we here at the office are very excited about the new measures.”

“What exactly will this achieve, Mr. Hearst?”

“The EFS will by and large streamline the difficult process of evaluating students. No longer will TAs and professors have to slavishly write pages of responses to mediocre papers and half- assed tests. A simple ‘L2Study’ or ‘GTFO’ grade will convey that the student needs to commit more to the material, while the ‘noob’ and ‘fail’ ranks reflect a need for extra assistance, such as tutoring or facepalming.”

“And ‘epic fail’ would be just another form of failure then…”

“No, no that is a new feature, actually. Once a student has hit that epic fail level, its pretty much a KO; they can’t retake the course at any time during their stay at Stanford and, at that point, the student is re-evaluated to see if Stanford did in fact make a mistake by admitting him or her.”

“What a time saver! Thanks for being with us, Mr. Hearst.

Onlookers were rather confused. “It seemed that he [Pierre] passed by the open registers flowing with cash to steal the crepes. Why would anyone do that? Everyone knows the Axe and Palm always runs out of crepes. It’s probably cause he is foreign.”

Pierre searched for the nonexistent Nutella crepes long enough for the staff to notice him, call the campus police, and take him into custody. “Eet Eez Absurd – zis restaurant ‘aving such short supplies. Zees estableeshment should be ashamed!”

Unfortunately for Pierre, no amount of stealth could substitute for the small amount of research that would have revealed the pitfalls of targeting the Axe and Palm, which already caught an International Milk Shake Thief and a infamous Sandwich Robber earlier this year through similar “unexpected” supply shortages. The Axe and Palm manager has been simultaneously praised for the capture and censured by hungry students who will not be so easily mollified.