JACKSON—Just a few months after bringing “Intelligent Design” into Mississippi classrooms, the Department of Education in Mississippi has decided to bring a new controversial theory to students across the state.

In a press conference held yesterday, Haley Barbour, governor of Mississippi, discussed his new education policy: “As of next year, all students in Mississippi will learn about the theory of ‘Intelligent Warming.’This newly constructed theory proves that the Earth’s temperature is affected not by heat, but by an intelligent and benevolent being, who warms the Earth whenever we are feeling chilly.”

Barbour went on to explain why he disliked mainstream scientists, placing a particular emphasis on scientists’ “inability to entertain the notion that the Earth is regulated by an all powerful, untraceable, and invisible mastermind.”

Aides close to the governor suggested that he hopes to further modify Mississippi’s curriculum by adding “Intelligent Economics” and “Intelligent Grammar.” Barbour’s top aide explained, “These things–grammar, economics, environmental science–they are all far too complex and intricate to be understood or influenced by any human. There must be an all powerful entity behind the scenes, pulling all the strings and making things work. After all, why would anyone ever support a “Theory” when they could support an “Intelligent Theory”?”

Punxsutawney, PA—In the timeless tradition of groundhogs that have come before him, Punxsutawney Phil came out last Monday, February 2nd and saw his shadow. Meteorologists and environmentalists around the world are stirring after an event with such revolutionary implications.

“Do you know what this means for global warming?” said one prominent environmentalist and scientist Lawrence Vandermeer. “Poof. Gone. Done. Finito–There are six more weeks of winter coming up–and that’s not global warming!” Science also is planning on rethinking its theory to incorporate the whims of a rodent. “How can you believe in global warming when there are unerring methods of prediction like groundhogs?”

This past November, I watched with horror as Barack Hussein Obama captured the White House from our beloved GOP. Our party shattered into little fragments, and some of those were lost to the blue side. I don’t know if we can bring the intellectuals, the libertarians, or the soccer moms back into the Republican fold in time for 2012. But I sure as hell don’t want to see the Democrats smothering our great Nation for longer than one term. There is only one solution if we want to see a conservative in the White House in 4 years: we must give fetuses the right to vote.

Fetuses are people too, and they’ve been disenfranchised long enough. Some of my detractors say, “Children can’t vote until they’re 18. Why should fetuses get the vote?” The answer is that fetal life only lasts for about nine months, at which point the fetus leaves the womb and enters society as an actual child. Dogs have dog-years; we need to think about fetuses the same way. After two months of pregnancy, a fetus has lived the equivalent of 18 years, and should be able to vote.

Some people are concerned about whether fetuses are actually capable of voting. “Even if fetuses prove competent, how can they access the physical ballots without their mother enduring an invasive procedure?” they ask. I say it doesn’t matter. We know every single fetus would vote Republican. So all women who are at least two months pregnant should get an extra ballot that automatically counts as a Republican vote. Write to your Congressmen now and help us win back the White House with the help of our prenatal pro-life friends!

America used to be founded on principles, principles like slavery and expansion into Indian territory. This is why we used to have literacy tests to see if you could vote. We couldn’t have slaves and Indians voting if they couldn’t pass some unreasonably difficult reading test!

You think fetuses are any better? Not only do they not speak a language, create art or have rituals, but often, they are only subsisting on the whims of their mother. They just don’t understand the issues. Is this the type of voter we want? Do we really want fetuses deciding our fiscal policy?

I say no, and I urge you to to think long and hard before you allow fetuses the right to vote.

For one thing, animals are smart. Whenever I watch Planet Earth and it has some hyenas or wolves in it, my dog starts barking at them ‘cause he knows whats up, he knows those are his brothers, man. Also, animals can talk, so they can tell us who they want to vote for. They talk to each other all the time in their own languages, man, everyone knows that. But they can also talk to people. When my PETA friends and I busted a bunch of monkeys and rats out of a heinous Nazi research lab, they were all crying out, “Help us, save us from this place!” In English, man! And I know my friends and I were all tripping hard off several hits of acid, but if anything, acid opens up your mind to experience true reality. So those animals were definitely talking to us.

Animals have human feelings too. They are just as capable of love, friendship, happiness…they’re way nicer than most people. And animals everywhere have been talking to me, telling me they don’t want to be raised for food and brutally slaughtered. They don’t want to be stuck in cages in a lab. It’s time we gave animals their own civil voice. They’ve been second-class citizens for too long, man. I’d even be willing to be a government employee who drops acid and helps interpret the animals’ votes.