While the United States celebrates the inauguration of its first African American president, signifying a break from hundreds of years of racism, segregation, and slavery, many are concerned that other countries in the world will never be able to accomplish the same.

A recent study has shown that there are no African American citizens in Africa, a study that is extremely troubling to US president Barack Obama. The census, conducted in 2005, breaks down the racial demographics of every country in Africa, and none of them have a category for African Americans. In Ethiopia specifically, 32.1% were Oromo, 30.2% were Amhara, and the smallest racial group composing just 1% of the population were the Gamo. African Americans were nowhere to be found. “This absence of African Americans in Africa is worse than segregation and slavery combined!” said a disturbed Barack Obama at a press conference on Saturday.

The absence of African Americans in Africa has struck fear into the hearts of many American politicians who used to think that Africa was a continent with a lot of black people. The question on everyone’s mind is: “Where the heck did all the African Americans go?”

Congressman John Noriega from South Carolina visited Africa a few years ago and recalls seeing thousands of African Americans. “When I went to Kenya, my cab driver was African American, the hotel receptionist was African American, heck, everyone was African American! I didn’t see a gosh-darned white person the entire time!”

At the moment, no one knows why there are no African Americans in Africa, and according to Reverend Jesse Jackson, the only thing we can do is pray.

By Stanley Waters

After spending what seemed like countless hours in front of his computer, local man Benjamin Alder managed to accomplish what many people thought was impossible. Last Thursday, at 2:33 AM, Alder successfully completed the “Expert” level of Minesweeper in 122 seconds, besting his previous high score by a staggering seven seconds. Though he is still over 122 seconds away from the world record, Ben is still extremely proud of his accomplishment. In describing his pride, Ben stated, “I knew it would be a difficult task—maybe one I would never be able to accomplish—but I also knew I had to try, that I couldn’t give up, that I couldn’t surrender—because if I did, I knew I would have to get back to work, and that was something I simply could not accept.”

Though tens of thousands of students and cubicle workers play Minesweeper every day in order to put off work, few, if any, persist long enough to figure out how to play the game, let alone how to set and then break a personal record. Though Ben is extremely proud of his achievement, he believes others can learn from his experience. “I think my new Minesweeper record can teach everyone a very valuable life lesson. When you are trying to accomplish your goals, people will put you down. They’ll say ‘No way! You won’t break 129 seconds,’ and ‘There’s no way you’ll find those mines in time,’ or even ‘A black man will never become president.’ But my Minesweeper experience proves that if you procrastinate hard enough, then anything is possible.”

Shortly after breaking his record, Alder secured a book deal with Scholastic, Inc. His book, titled How to Sweep Away Your Problems: A Serious Story of Mine, will be in stores by Fall 2009 or, if Ben continues playing Minesweeper, in Spring 2011.
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A team of investigative reporters has been hard at work for years now, slowly following lead after lead until the truth about these competitions was unveiled earlier this week. For decades now under the cover of night and in the outlying forests of Stanford campus a tree “mortal combat” of sorts has been transpiring. On the verge of each decade’s passing many species of trees converge to send their best tree warriors into the gladiatorial mess of winner-takes-all competition. Many trees enter, but only one tree may leave and earn his species the right to line the famously contested “Palm” Drive and membership in the world renowned Stanford “Band.”

Collecting information from many first hand accounts the team was able to put together a plotline of this year’s recent competition. “It all happened on Monday,” one eyewitness told reporters, “in the clearing near the Mausoleum.” The three rounds of the competition include a beauty pageant, a growing competition, and a tree vs. tree wrestle-off. Each round is mediated and judged by a counsel of elder Stanford forest creatures, which not surprisingly consists mostly of black squirrels.

Highlights of this year’s competition included a beautifully pruned and well-mannered Weeping Willow who stole the spotlight at the beauty pageant. A Redwood stunned the crowd with a 3/8ths of an inch of growth in the allotted hour. The Palm tree, however, stole the show once again furthering his species near monopoly of the Stanford campus for another ten years.

After coming in close second in the other rounds the Palm’s bendable frame proved unconquerable in the wrestling competition where it played an Ali-esque rope-a-dope with his adversaries. Valiant efforts were made by all, but the Palm claimed victory for his species once again.