BILLIARD ROOM–Colonel Mustard will walk free today after being wrongly imprisoned for thirty years, thanks to new DNA evidence.

In 1979, Colonel Mustard was convicted of attacking Mrs. Peacock in the conservatory with a candlestick and sentenced to life in prison by a jury of 3-6 of his peers aged from 6 to Adult. However, last week, new evidence has come to light which revealed Professor Plum, a Stanford Resident Fellow, may have been involved in the incident.

“We wouldn’t have thought to reopen the case if it weren’t for the DNA testing in the Stanford Medical Labs,” said Santa Clara County District Attorney Dolores Carr. “Our justice system is extremely flawed; sometimes it seems like people simply guess who they think committed the crime.”

Miss Scarlet, a friend of both Colonel Mustard and Professor Plum refused to comment on this latest development, saying only that she was in the cellar with Mr. Green at the time of the attack, and was at least six spaces away from the incident.

Colonel Mustard is overjoyed to be out of prison and is glad that the truth has come to light after all these years. “I’ve been saying for thirty years that I was in the conservatory with the rope,” said Mustard. “Finally someone believes me.”

In an apparent move to cut costs, the Stanford PWR program has combined several first-year courses for the Winter Quarter.  Administrators realized Monday that they could merge the Rhetoric of Deception, the Rhetoric of the Insult, and the Rhetoric of Outrage into a single course focusing on the FOX News channel.

Director of PWR Programming, Andrea Lunsford, stated that “FOX pundits such as Bill O’ Reilly and Glenn Beck have a magical ability to deceive, insult, and outrage viewers. Students in this class will gain enormous insight into using these techniques to manipulate their audiences.”

According the class syllabus, “students will write essays that make provocative and inherently false arguments appear accurate and professional.”

Conservative scholars at the Hoover Institute all vied for the prestigious teaching position, however News Corporation President Rupert Murdoch was ultimately given the honor of teaching the class. Murdoch said that “Stanford is one of the most innovative campuses in the country, and students must understand that the newest trend in media is using biased coverage to both swing elections and profit from gullible audiences.”  

 After hearing about this class, Condoleezza Rice asked the administration if she could teach a course titled “The Rhetoric of Interrogation.”

Sandra Perez, 18, of Rinconada was indicted yesterday on charges of leaving her bicycle unattended in the same space for twenty-eight days. Perez  had left one too many u-locks on her bicycle, and misplaced the key to one of the locks, rendering the bike immobile.

“I don’t know what happened. I was midway through unlocking my twelfth u-lock when I realized that I lost the key to the thirteenth. I was late for IHUM, so I decided to forget about the bicycle and just run to class.”

When she returned almost a month later, she was alarmed by the large orange boot attached to her bicycle and the accompanying five men in black. Perez  claims ignorance of Stanford’s stringent bicycle penal codes. “In Tennessee, we aren’t used to having laws, let alone laws like these ones,” she said. Federal marshals declined to comment for this story.

Perez said that her court appearance is scheduled for mid-January. She declared that a plea bargain might be in the works. Perez announced she will try to make amends by finding the missing key, insinuating that she may dropped it into her Barack Obama chia pet.