In a recent study conducted by the Pew Research Center for the People and the Press, it was discovered that 85% of American high school teens were unable to identify their room on a map of their house.

After the publication of this study, many around the country have become worried about the current state of American geography skills.

“What was perhaps most interesting,” said head researcher Tory Lamb, “was that not only could most of these teenagers not find their room on a map of their house, but most of them would guess a different part of their house entirely. For example, over half of the students did not even choose the correct floor.”

“This suggests a severe deficiency in American map-reading skills, and the only way to correct this is through education,” says American Joe Karpas. “We need kids to bring in maps of their house to school so their teachers can help point out which room is theirs. Heck, when I was a kid, I didn’t even know what a map was, let alone have one!”

Americans such as Mr. Karpas and Dr. Lamb realize that the first step to becoming a global American is the ability to locate one’s room on a map of their house. “I imagine then you would move onto bigger things,” says Karpas. “You could then have them identify their state on a map of their state and the state next door.”

STANFORD, CA—Last week, Jay de la Torre, Vice President of the ASSU, left office after breaking the Honor Code in CS 106A. But while The Stanford Daily and the rest of the mainstream liberal media on campus have depicted de la Torre as a cheater, they are missing the real story. Jay de la Torre is a hero.

The honor code is an important part of our daily lives, but despite its importance, it is frustratingly cryptic. As de la Torre explained, “The Honor Code says students ‘will not give or receive aid in examinations…reports, or…any other work.’ How am I supposed to read that and know what to do? I had to break the Honor Code—not just for me, but for all the students of Stanford.”

His first step was to copy his friend’s code in CS 106A.

“I wanted to look at a different code to learn how I should approach the problem. Fortunately, my friend Ryan is an expert at this stuff; he writes new code every week. I figured that if I could learn what his code meant, the Honor Code would be a piece of cake. So I had him send me some files. After studying them for several hours, I took a break to do some CS homework and then, after hours of tedious work, I unraveled the mystery.”

As soon as de la Torre discovered the true meaning of the Honor Code, he went straight to the ASSU Senate where he announced his discoveries: “Ladies and gentlemen of the Senate—I have spent the past several hours poring over the Honor Code, casting aside its facade of integrity, and paving the way for a better future. After taking the code, rearranging its letters, and applying a Fibonacci sequence—in short, after breaking the code, I found that the message hidden inside was a simple one word command: ‘resign.’”

“So now, to benefit the students of this university and to execute the true will of Leland Stanford, I am officially stepping down from my post as ASSU Vice President. I plan to take the next quarter off to write a book detailing the methods I used to break the Honor Code. I also hope to begin deciphering the Uniform Code of Military Justice—I have a few sources, I just need to find a way to make them talk. I am proud to have broken the Honor Code, and, if given the opportunity, I would do it again.”

So you see, de la Torre really is a hero. He broke the Honor Code—but he broke it with confidence and shared its meaning with the world.

 STANFORD, CA—As the American economy continues on its downward spiral, Stanford University officials have finally been forced to do the unthinkable: cancel winter quarter 2010.

“This is a real blow to the school. An institution as renowned as Stanford should not have these kind of problems, but I suppose this is truly indicative of the current economic crisis. I assure all students that the closing of the school is only temporary, and we are doing everything we possibly can to get everything up and running,” said President John Hennessy in a statement released earlier this week.

Despite Hennessy’s bleak statements on the school’s financial woes, not all students were upset by the news of the quarter’s cancellation.

“Whatever. Everyone knows winter quarter blows anyways. It just rains all the time, and the classes are hard, not to mention totally sucky,” said Patrick Kyles, a jaded upperclassman.
Said one enthused freshman, “Are you kidding me!?! I get to skip a quarter of the World History of Science IHUM? This is the best news I’ve heard all week! Suck it, Descartes!”

Airlines and travel agencies have reported increased inquiries by students wishing to change reservations or book new vacations entirely.

“Hell, I’m totally staying in Paris for three more months if school isn’t even happening. I couldn’t decide if I wanted to stay another quarter, but now it looks like I don’t really have a choice. Woohoo!” said Kyle Landry, a junior.
Unfortunately, the news hasn’t hit all people with the same jubilation. President Hennessy’s office has been fielding phone calls from angry parents all week.

Said Monica Kyles, mother of Patrick, “I do not want to be cooking and cleaning for my son in months that I was supposed to have off from my job as a full-time mom. I better be getting overtime for this shit.” (Eugenia Maluf)