STANFORD, CA—Scandal has rocked the Stanford football universe after Toby Gerhart revealed himself as an avatar for an advanced alien race.  As an avatar, Gerhart possesses a mixture of human and alien DNA. This mixture has given him extraordinary strength and endurance, far beyond what human physiology can normally achieve.  The alien DNA imbues Toby’s human analogue with increased lung capacity, muscle density, and bone strength.  It also explains the blue prehensile tail that he occasionally uses to straight-arm additional defenders. 


Genetic testing conducted by NFL scouts led to a confrontation last week when Gerhart announced he was an Avatar and explained that his alien body was hidden in a remote corner of the Stanford steam tunnel network. 


Jim Harbaugh immediately attempted to subdue the controversy by claiming that “Nothing in the NCAA rules says that players have to be completely human,” and that regardless of the origin of his genetic advantages, “Toby is doing a great service to the Stanford community and the human race.” 

Gerhart’s curiously high GPA, which has landed him accolades and awards, has also come into question.  Asked how he maintains his GPA given his commitments on both the football and baseball teams, Toby replied, “My actual job involves servicing starship antiproton drives, so calculus and elementary physics are not really a problem.”

Upon emerging from the 7:30 pm 3D showing of James Cameron’s “Avatar,” Palo Alto resident Dwayne Schmitt stared up at the night sky with a somewhat disappointed expression. “Where’s the innovation?” he asked of no one in particular. “Where’s the perfectly-rendered spherical gas giant? Where is the sunset whose swirling purple and orange hues defy categorization? I mean the moon is okay but it’s…” he seemed at a bit of a loss for words. “A bit out of date.”

Millions of Americans around the country are echoing Schmitt’s sentiments. “I can deal with it for the most part,” Shirley Jacobson, 27, admits. “Sometimes I’ll even forget that I’m not actually watching a 3D blockbuster and get really into it and then…I’ll see some person who just sort of ruins the illusion.”

As the 2010 midterm elections approach, politicians have been under ever-increasing pressure to address and remedy the situation. “We are seriously considering replacing birds and horses with their bizarre, scaly Pandoran counterparts as a first step,” head EPA administrator Lisa Jackson assured a throng of reporters. “In the meantime we beseech Americans to be patient and to recognize that, well, things just look crappy in real life.”

“This is something we’re going to have to work on together as a people, whether the government is on board or not,” Schmitt asserted. “And,” he added as an afterthought, “if my wife doesn’t get tall and blue soon I think I’m going to divorce her.”

Important notice to all travelers in the United States: In light of the recent terrorist attack, The TSA has made several important changes to make air travel much more difficult for everyone and therefore, safer. We have raised the Annoyance Level from orange to total pain in the ass. The Threat Level has been raised from orange to orange. The Security Wait Time has been raised from 1 hour to at least 10 hours. Since 9/11, we have made traveling significantly more annoying, but clearly we haven’t made it enough of a total fucking impossibility.



We want to protect our nation, and we want to protect you, and we’ll do whatever it takes to annoy the terrorists out of our airports, or, barring that, we’ll do what we can to stop Americans from flying–the terrorists can’t blow up people on airplanes if there are no people on airplanes. Effective immediately, individuals will be required to pass through all security checkpoints twice,  “random” screening will increase in frequency by 47% and underwear will be forbidden on all commercial flights. We hope these new regulations will make you absolutely resent flying, and we look forward to annoying you in the future.


        Weeks after Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab failed to ignite an explosive on Northwest Airlines Flight 253, Abdulmutallab’s high school chemistry teacher, Akeju Khaled, reported that the terrorist had at best mediocre chemistry skills. In the attempted attack, Abdulmutallab failed to correctly combine explosive chemicals.

            In the report, Khaled stated “Umar was always a below average student. He usually received C’s and D’s on his tests and never participated in class.” Khaled added that he often found Abdulmutallab texting in class and now suspects that he was communicating with his “terrorist friends.”

            Khaled theorizes that Abdulmutallab may have spent so much time writing his name on his test paper that he could not finish answering the questions.

            In the conclusion of his report, Khaled vividly outlined the correct procedure to ignite the chemical explosive and described Abdulmutallab’s exact mistakes. White House officials report that the final line of Khaled’s report, “Death to America!!!!!” could be suspicious. The CIA announced that it would consider looking into its intelligence leads this time.