In the wake of an exhausting health-care battle, pundits could be forgiven for thinking Barack Obama would be content to rest on his laurels for much of the new year. Instead, the President laid out a broad, sweeping vision for 2010, establishing not fucking a slutty hot chick as his top domestic priority.

“This comes at a critical time for our nation, when many folks are angry, and many folks are fed up, and many folks are sick and tired of their leaders not performing up to par in this area,” he said, appearing to reference the recent string of bad news for slutty-hot-chick-fucker Tiger Woods. “But I’m here to tell you today, from one American to another, that we have heard your voices, and we are going to do something about it.”

Like health care, the problem has been notoriously thorny for past presidents. Bill Clinton tried to tackle the not fucking a slutty hot chick issue during his time in office and wasn’t able to deliver. But Obama hopes that by focusing on the specifics and taking things one day at a time, he will succeed where others have failed.

“We’d like to accomplish this through a series of executive orders without getting Congress involved,” said Obama, expressing his fear that the vocal Republican minority could get in the way of his efforts to not fuck a slutty hot chick. “But if we have to legislate, we will legislate,” he announced to loud cheers. “We will get through this, get through it once and for all to make a better world for our children. A world where they can coexist peacefully with slutty hot chicks and not worry that their dads are fucking them.”

Every year on Martin Luther King Day, white people across the country debate the acceptability of consuming fried chicken on a holiday held in honor of one of the nation’s great African Americans.

At the local KFC, the conversation is lively. One white local, Bobby H, described his feelings: “I like fried chicken any day, and I know that there’s that stereotype that black people like it. But I don’t think that should matter, just because it’s MLK’s birthday. Or should it?”

His white friend interjected, “I wouldn’t hesitate to pick up a 3-pack from KFC any other day. But today it just feels a little weird.”

Some white people walking by the KFC scowled. Said one passerby, “It’s just not very sensitive to African Americans on Martin Luther King Day for us to enjoy fried chicken, especially since it started as a meal for slaves that could be prepared cheaply while disguising the taste of old meat.”

The one black person in the KFC seemed unaware of this hot-button issue that surfaces annually. After having the controversy explained to him, he said, “No dude, we really don’t care. Do white people actually think we care?”

Most of the chicken-craving white customers reached the same sensible compromise: buying a 3-pack but eating it quickly and with shame. (Michael Brandt)

By She

I am disgusted.  Everywhere I go these days, I find that any comment anybody makes that even has the slightest hint of being sexually charged is quoted as having come from my mouth.  This is defamation to the highest degree.  I am in a healthy, monogamous relationship. I teach elementary school children and donate to charities that feed hungry children in Zimbabwe. But everywhere I go, I am hounded by allegations that paint me as some kind of kinky, no-standards, two-bit whore. 

I was walking down my street last night and I saw my neighbor Neil walking his dog.  The dog said “Ruff”, and Neil looked at me, laughed, and said, “That’s what she said.” I went to a restaurant and I said to my waiter, “I’d like some extra cream sauce with my Italian sausage,” and he has the nerve to laugh and say, “That’s what she said.”

Even my own students, my kindergarteners, have not been sheltered from these rumors.  This is a failure not only on the part of their parents, but also on the part of society as a whole.  I feel utterly disrespected, and am calling for immediate action.  Congress must levy a fine on anybody who utters those four hurtful words so that I can be compensated for the damages that have been done to me.  If no law is passed within the next three months, I can assure you that I will be visiting the office of every single congressman, and I will not stop moaning and crying until they scream, “YES!”