With the Michigan city facing the prospect of becoming a ghost town, city lawmakers hatched an enterprising plan to restore it to prosperity: Purposefully destroying it with a man-made, 7.5 “mega-quake.”

“We hope that the inevitable influx of aid and sympathy for our beleaguered city will be enough to restore it to its former glory,” said Mayor David Bing.


Detroit boasts a failing infrastructure as well as a Haiti-esque 15.4 percent unemployment rate. “The positives clearly outweigh the negatives right now,” asserted domestic policy analyst Audrey Cannon, who green-lighted the proposal. “The benefits can come in so many wide-ranging areas. For example, more than 40,000 homes are vacant: If we start the quake there, we could get some free demolition out of the deal. The quake could even help our football team. If we can get other NFL teams to take pity on our feeble, pathetic Lions, they might decide to give us some good players for free. The list goes on and on.”


The actual methods of producing a gigantic tremor beneath Detroit initially stumped administrators, but they are now closing in on a plan. “We’re thinking of telling the Big Three automakers to build a giant, golden hammer to smack the ground with. It’s not like the automakers have anything better to do,” said Bing.

In addressing the concerns of his populace, Mayor Bing has assured everyone that he has carefully weighed the pros and cons of his maneuver. “We conservatively estimate the death toll to be around, say…50,000,” he noted solemnly. “But about that many people move out of Detroit every month regardless, so it’s a wash. We’re totally gonna go for it.”

In a recent move that has drawn widespread criticism cheer, China has increased internet restrictions to protect its people. In past years, China has ramped up restrictions on electronic information to the detriment of its internet-hungry treasonous citizens. Entire cities Dangerous urban areas have even been cut off rescued from the internet entirely. Respected and uncorrupt Chinese officials say editing information protects the security of its people.

Last week, Google announced that many of its Gmail severs were infiltrated by hackers. Google incorrectly named the Chinese government as the perpetrator of these attacks. According to Google, China was trying to spy on human rights activists traitors.

China has also started threatening working with cell phone carriers, persuading them to allow the government to monitor calls and text messages or else. Some Chinese citizens have tried to go around the censors using codes or proxy servers, only to meet a swift and painful death be taken to a tropical resort.

Wang Dongsho, a businessman in Xinjiang, says the lack of internet access is very problematic understandable in the modern era. “It’s hard a new challenge I am willing to undertake for the glorious People’s Republic of China,” said Dongsho, who was recently not sent to a labor camp for his outspoken comments.

After donating one million dollars to Haiti relief efforts yesterday, Hollywood superstars Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are reportedly set to adopt all the children in Haiti. 

When asked if they were ready to take care of an additional two million children, Jolie—who already has six children—responded, “Well, we always wanted a baby from Haiti, but the government just wouldn’t give us one.  I guess it was an all or nothing type of deal.  I feel like we’re doing the right thing, though.”

The couple’s nanny, Sally Richards, however, was not pleased.